It should have been nothing.

It should have been nothing, but for me, why did it become something?

How are you? I am still missing you. So fucking bad.

It was around January 2025 when we started talking. You messaged me here with a line that shocked me at first, but I never thought it would start a conversation that I would still be missing until now. Very casual. Not something serious. It was just about our wild thoughts; our imaginations about each other. After a very few days, I just found myself reaching for my phone once I woke up in the morning to greet you with a "Good morning, bb."—as if my mind just became very comfortable and slipped into it. We just found ourselves giving updates and talking about other things outside of being naughty. I started seeing it in a serious way—our conversation, our updates for each other—or at least, for me.

I didn't know how to handle that feeling as it was kind of new to me, and perhaps, I was also thinking that it was only my heart beating that way. So I deleted that account. But earlier that day, I just found myself making another account and messaging you. I said something that ruined that connection—the kind of connection that I'm still longing for. The kind of connection that never happened again even we talked again for more days, even though not every day. The kind of connection I never felt again with you. At that point, I realized that I wanted more. I wanted it to be serious. I wanted to do things that people in a serious relationship do, not just things that people do in a casual setup. I badly wanted that, but I knew to myself that I am also still not ready for that, as I am still young and have things to prioritize.

But then it was okay, 'cause I also realized that we weren't on the same page. You only wanted it to be casual; I wanted it to be serious. You want to fuck, I wanna make love. We were on different paths. And no, I am not mad. Either of the two different things we wanted, both are valid and there's nothing wrong with them. It's just that my expectations changed and yours did not.

Right now, I find myself thinking of you again. Since we started talking, you never left my mind. Even after we stopped talking and you did not reply to my last message here and on TG anymore.

Ang hirap mo kalimutan. Your effect on me was so deep. It was so deep that before I decided not to have a kid anymore in the future, I dreamt of having one with you. This may sound like too much, but my mind once built a life for myself—building a home and a family with you. You made me realize that hookups aren't built for me. That a romantic relationship is still the end goal for me, and I wished it could have been with you.

Until now, I am still longing for your "sweetie". God, is it possible to hate and love an endearment at the same time? 'Cause that's how I always feel about that thing you used to call me. It would never sound the same to me anymore.

Well then, I hope you're doing fine now. Wishing you the best things in life. As much as I want to have that kind of connection again with you, I would rather not. I might lose my shit again.