Did anyone else grow up being compared to the “fair and pretty” cousin… and only later realize how much it shaped you?

Okay so this is just something I’ve been thinking about.

Growing up, I had this cousin, and from the very beginning there was this clear narrative around her. Her mom and her nani would always say she was very beautiful. And by beautiful, it basically meant fair. That was the whole thing. She was fair, so she was pretty, and that somehow made her… better.

Along with that, there was this other layer that they were more “polished” because they could speak English better. They had lived abroad for a bit, so it became this personality trait. Like they were just more advanced than us in some way.

And I’m her mother’s brother's daughter, so same family, but completely different positioning.

For me, it was always like, “you have good features.” But there was always something missing after that sentence. My skin tone was a little reddish, a little darker, so it never fully counted. And then it also became about how we didn’t speak English like them, so it was like in every way, they were slightly above and we were just… there.

I remember this one thing very clearly, and it stayed with me.

She would hold a mirror in front of both of us and say, “I really like your eyes.” My eyes are slightly brown, so it sounded like a compliment, but I always knew what she was doing. It was like she was giving me one small thing while still keeping the bigger comparison intact. Her fairness against my skin.

And you don’t forget that kind of stuff.

Then as we grew up, the focus just shifted.

It became about weight.

She was always crash dieting, always trying to stay a certain way, because for her everything was about getting a good guy. And by good, it meant rich. That was always the goal.

And for me, it became, “you’ve gained weight,” “you’re a little fat,” things like that. Even though I was never extremely overweight, just a little on the heavier side at times. But once that label is given, it kind of sticks.

At the same time, she had constant skin issues. Pimples, redness, bumps. My skin was always clear.

But that didn’t matter back then because the system we were in didn’t count that as much.

Anyway, we both got married, had kids, life moved on.

She did marry into money, not exactly what she always imagined, but still better off.

And now after having her baby, she’s gained a lot of weight. Like significantly. And I, on the other hand, lost weight postpartum and became quite petite. Not even intentionally, it just happened.

And now she avoids me.

We don’t really talk anyway, that’s a separate thing, but even otherwise she doesn’t come around me, doesn’t show up when I’m there.

And I’ve been thinking about it.

Maybe she feels uncomfortable. Maybe somewhere she’s aware of the same standards she grew up believing in. The same ones that were used on me all these years.

And now they’re kind of… facing her.

But at the same time, I had to check myself also.

Because there is a part of you that wants to feel like okay, now things are equal. Now she gets it.

But if I stay in that space, then I’m still playing the same game, just from the other side.

Still comparing, still measuring who looks better, who turned out better.

And I’ve already lived that, I know how unstable it is. It keeps changing with time, with body, with life.

So I don’t even know if this is some kind of karma situation or just two people who grew up in the same environment and are now dealing with it differently.

I just know that she’s probably still inside that system.

And I have stepped out of it.