Co-parenting splitting

(Mention of abuse, SA)

I haven’t left my husband yet but he is just all around not a good guy. He’s a drug addict, emotionally abusive, always threatening to leave me if I “back talk”, has sexually abused me ect.

Also, he’s slow, on a professional type of IQ test his shit was in the 70s. He refuses to medicate for his ADHD even though it makes him so much less aggressive and pay attention to our child, but he will pump his body full of illegal drugs. He has never cooked a meal for our daughter or fed her, bathed her, only changed a diaper a few times ever, and goes on his phone or forget he’s supposed to be watching her. He drives insane and under the influence and won’t tell me when he is and tries to drive her around.

I am planning to leave very very soon and have been in contact with domestic violence advocates but that’s not what I want this post to focus on.

If I leave him, there is a pretty good chance he will get 50/50 custody of our child regardless of the abuse(they don’t care). She would go from being cared for so well and having her every need met with me to being neglected over there.

Everyday I’m trying to make a clear plan for what custody arrangement would benefit her the most and be realistic but i can’t tell if I’m being reasonable by not wanting her to be neglected by him or if it’s my BPD is clouding my thinking. Like I see many moms(not all) leave their abusive partner and they don’t even experience the dread of knowing what’s actually going on when the child is in his care and trying to stop it from happening.

Sometimes I feel like if I don’t get sole custody and she’s with him half the time being abused and neglected then there’s no point and I should just completely give him custody. And I know for a fact that’s just the black and white thinking and I feel so ashamed when that thought pops in my head and I know I would/could never actually do it. The guilt alone would eat me alive for the rest of my life if I left my own baby in that situation 100% of the time.