I DON'T EVEN KNOW WHY I AM STILL ALIVE AND GOING ON

30(F). Been stuck in a limbo for God knows how long. I feel I am not fit for this world. I seriously have no idea what I want. I am stuck career-wise. It feels like I have been shouldering family responsibilities and ignoring my well-being. But in reality, I am pretty independent woman, and my in-laws don't have any say or power over me. But sometimes I just want to leave everything behind and just denounce every f***ing responsibility. I don't have financial backing, so I have to keep going to work- even though I hate that job. The only reason I still go is that it pays well. But my soul has been crushed too many times and now I feel I have totally wasted my potential here in the same office. Taking risks, disappointing others is not something I enjoy-or even have it in me. But I have this huge ass ambitious spirit which I can't do anything about. I am also super lazy. I don't know- I have worked hard my whole life but now suddenly I am so tired all the time. My husband calls me lazy. I don't know if this is something that will change. I need a break from everything. Can't keep going on like this- but I am going on. Will killing myself solve it?