Sometimes I daydream of my APs being happy with a clone of me

I think about how far I have come in disappointing my APs and trying to undo their disappointment of me is hard to do given that it requires me to go to med school even though I hate the thought of it and know it wouldn’t be in me to do so. And it’s more pressuring since I’m the only child.

But sometimes, I daydream of a clone of myself being able to satisfy what they want or even a sibling who could do that. I wouldn’t even mind being the black sheep of the family if it meant they could be happy. I would be left alone for the most part aside from annoying comparisons or some other crap, but maybe it would be easier knowing they got what they wanted from someone else. Even in my most rebellious years and including now, a part of them still wants them to be happy and I feel sad knowing I can’t do that because what they want from me is more than I could handle.

I’ve been called a “disappointment”, a “ungrateful kid”, and even questioned: “Are you even my own blood?”. Yet despite all of this, I’m numb to their faces. But I also feel a deep sense of sadness that they hate for me to show so I never do. I wouldn’t cry around people who don’t tolerate me crying saying it’s “girly for a guy to do that” or to “just stop crying” and not address why I’m crying.

But with your APs, it’s a lot harder to just get away given that you were born to them to be taken care of and nourished and instead get the narcissistic and emotionally unstable people instead. Plus if this economy couldn’t be more shit, I would move out and find my own way instead of being forced to be here financially.