My dad says he doesn't care about me and that I should look in the mirror before judging him

This is a rant and a vent, I don't mind advice. Please don't be mean in the comments, I'm a young person and sometimes if things are put off in a bad way I take it to heart.

For context, I’m a closeted 16-year-old trans man (AFAB). English isn’t my first language, so wording may be a bit off. This briefly mentions childhood assault, but nothing graphic.

My parents have always been emotionally distant and don’t really love each other. My mom stayed with my dad mainly for financial reasons. A year ago, she vented to me, even crying and asking if she should leave him, which clashes with the “independent” image she says she has. My dad mostly rots on the couch, complains about work, and often responds to me in immature or dismissive ways. If I say I don’t feel like talking when I come home after a hard day from school, he replies with things like “well I don’t feel like talking either,” instead of asking what’s wrong. He gets offended easily and shifts blame onto me. He doesn’t reliably take care of basic things like feeding our cats, and gets angry if I ask about it. This especially irritates me because they’re my childhood cats, and I don’t want them going an entire evening or night without food or water, especially since one is a 17-year-old Maine Coon.

What’s confusing is that my mom and grandma often say he’s lazy and difficult, but when I argue with him, they tend to take his side.

Recently things escalated. I get tattoos from my dad to save money since I’m a minor, but after one session I noticed he posted the design and a photo of my leg without asking. I asked him politely to take it down because I didn’t want to be associated with him online. He refused, saying it’s his work and he has the right to post it. He also takes my art supplies and old sketchbooks without permission so he can draw his tattoo designs. I don't know what's up with narcissistic parents and ai, but even though he is in the art field himself, he glazes ai and talks about how it's the future and a tool, despite firing people that have jobs exactly like his passion for tattoo art and graphic design. (He used to be a graphic designer before my mom had given birth to me but ever since he moved to our home city he never found a job like that again, and claims he lost passion for it.)

I eventually “crashed out” and told him how I’ve felt for years: that I hate his behavior, that he’s immature, and that he only cares about himself. He got very upset and said he couldn’t believe it. I said I’ve felt this way for a long time and didn’t plan to apologize. I offered to talk things through, but he ignored me.

Later my mom texted saying he was crying. When I explained, she said I was too harsh and kept repeating that he’s a good person because “he doesn’t hit or abuse us,” which feels like a very low bar. She ignored what I was saying and my feelings, which made me angry.

I tried again to fix things by texting my dad that I don’t hate him as a person, only his actions. He replied that he won’t accept criticism from his child, that it’s “just over an Instagram post,” and that I should “educate myself on business.” (bold talk for someone who doesn't even have his own tattoo studio or a proper business. He basically mashes up images that are not even copyright free together and claims that he made the tattoo design, and proceeds to sell them for money. I tried to warn him that it could get him into legal trouble, but we got into an argument about that too.) He also said I isolate too much in my room, even though I’m autistic and prefer being alone. He implied I don’t “prefer” him compared to my mom.

My parents have always struggled to understand me. I recently relapsed and my mental health hasn’t been great, but writing helps.

There are also deeper issues. As a child, I experienced sexual boundary violations from someone involved in my parents’ lives. When I disclosed it later, my parents didn’t react strongly. My mom cut contact after an argument but never explained why. My dad dismissed it by saying the man was gay, which felt like missing the point entirely. Why would it matter if he was gay? That's still a horrible thing to do to a child and I think if this is someone's legitimate first comment they should have their hard drive checked.

I feel like no matter how much I explain, they don’t understand me. I still have hope for my mom, but I’m unsure what to think if she keeps defending him. I’m planning to talk to her again soon and will keep you updated. I don't know what type of advice I'm looking for, I just want some reassurance and that I'm not being overdramatic.