Why can i not be kind to myself

I was talking with my therapist yesterday and she said I’m a perfectionist who never takes the time to actually become good at anything. I get so frustrated with myself and just beat myself up down in my head and when i try to counter it with positive thoughts but it just feels like a lie. I had to step up at work today and all i could think was “you’re only good at following orders not giving them.” I left the eggs in the oven too long and forgot to put spray so they were just bad and i jut almost broke down right there. Nearing lunch i got it together and i looked at a picture of me and my best friend i lost 5 years ago and i realized i had not smiled like that since i lost him.

My therapist also said the only way through these bad emotions tha paralyzed me is to go through them and feel uncomfortable but i just can’t do it. I start to lash out at others and honestly i stay just smoking weed to mellow my emotions out so i don’t lash out. I was kinda diagnosed with bpd but i still really don’t understand what that means.

But if everytime i face a situation or am emotion i feel like i failed an it just reinforces my thoughts that im not enough or my best isn’t enough. I just wish my first reaction wasn’t to check myself out but i wont say it to anyone who could get me 5150d but sometimes i think i need it. I just want a better life but i have no energy or will to change.

And i would see a psychiatrist to try new meds because it’s pretty clear these aren’t working but i don’t have 300$ to see one