I’m thinking of ending it too

I’m 19M, black and I’ve been “depressed” since 15. I’m from a low class family single mom took care of me and my brother whilst my dad married another person.;(He’s rich btw but not to us, to the other family, he don’t give us nothing) He told my mom that he don’t want no kids after me but went and had 5 kids(3 boys 2 girls) and because my mom is so kind she didn’t want use to hate our dad because well he’s our dad.. enough of that.

I think a lot about random stuff like religion and humanity, death, God, meaning, and all those stuff because things don’t make sense to me and I’m the curious type.

I am a computer engineering major college student (2nd year) and I don’t have any friends because I don’t know how to maintain a connection, my girlfriend broke up with me last year August and her reason was “You’re a good person but I just can’t continue with you”. I am addicted to porn and masturbation as a coping mechanism for loneliness. Trust me I’m one of the loneliest people on earth currently. And sometimes I think about ending it because I don’t really see the meaning in all of this, I know school isn’t gonna help me because I’m not gonna work. At some point I thought of joining the military so I get myself killed in battle or something but it’s just too much stress. I’ve lost faith in everything I’m not even Christian no more.

I won’t keep this long, but my only fear is how my mom would feel if I do it because she just lost her brother (my uncle) and her dad (my grandfather) in 2024 and I see how she feels because we were that close.(I reached peak depression when my uncle died because he was like a dad and senior brother at the same time and I still think about where he is now and how his body I just saw is rotting in a coffin underground😭)

I am very secretive and I don’t tell anyone about anything unless it’s a total stranger who won’t give a fuck like you reading this.

I thought I’d chip this in because I saw a lot of posts on here about people talking about themselves and I felt a bit comfortable here.