I want to return to a discord server/game that I essentially cheated on my bf in to reconnect with friends and idk how to navigate the situation

I’m 22 he’s 21, and we’ve been together since we were 15.

Maybe this doesn’t fit this sub, but I think what happened probably felt like infidelity to my partner so I think I’d get better advice here than from another sub.

Over a year ago I started speaking to people on this discord server related to a game. My boyfriend and I were polyamorous at the time. I ended up developing a crush on one of the guys I was playing with and started a sort of relationship but it led to jealously from my partner. It didn’t help that I made some mistakes in terms of transparency with my bf (I wld go into detail but this post wld be far too long), and that I got in general a bit obsessive with discord.

Anyways, eventually we had a big falling out which led to an ultimatum and us effectively closing our relationship. I ended up completely leaving the discord server and stopped speaking to EVERYONE from it, not just the guy I was e-dating (my bf only wanted me to stop speaking to the guy but I felt like I had to abandon the whole thing).

Honestly I am embarrassed about the whole e-dating thing, not only for how I navigated it and how it damaged my relationship, but also because the concept of e-dating is cringe and the guy I was doing it with gave me a bad feeling.

One of my friends from the server reached out to me recentlyish saying they haven’t heard from me in a year now and wld like to re-connect/have me come back to the game. I explained to them I wld but I’m embarrassed about the whole e-dating thing and they informed me the guy I was e-dating left the server ages ago and no one really knew about it anyway.

I decided to ask my bf about me going back on this server/game or speaking to some people from there, he got upset/annoyed about me asking but he said it was fine and he’s not going to stop me. I assured him I have no interest in e-dating again I just miss some of my friends. He said he’s not worried about the e-dating he’s worried I’ll become obsessive with it in general and neglect our relationship, and that he won’t stop being annoyed about it until there’s enough exposure for him to trust that I can have friends on discord without going online everyday or staying up all night talking to people.

I found it difficult to bring up going back on the server, and I could tell me asking upset him so I didn’t get back to that friend who was trying to re-connect even though I wanted to.

Anyway recently another friend from the server messaged me and again this is a person I’d like to reconnect with.

So again today I tried to ask my bf about it. He said ‘I don’t care do what you want’ but it was very clear he does care so I pried a bit and he admitted yeah he is angry/worried about it but he’s not going to get over it until I can prove I can be trustworthy.

I got a bit frustrated here because it feels a bit arbitrary. There’s no timeline on how long it will take for him to trust me. Can he not just keep moving the goal posts? I didn’t speak to anyone on this server for a year, and then when I wanted to again I asked for his permission, and he gave me it but he seemed upset so I didn’t reach out to that friend again. Like I’m very clearly trying to make sure he’s comfortable.

I feel stuck because on one hand it shld be okay for me to want friends, I’m not trying to date anyone and the people I’m wanting to reconnect with I had a purely platonic relationship with. I understand he fears I will become obsessive again but how long do I have to show I won’t before he stops being annoyed? I don’t feel like it’s fair for him to get annoyed everytime I ask to hang out w/ these people (what I’m assuming is going to happen), because it makes me feel like I’m being punished for asking, and therefore I just don’t want to ask at all. On the other hand my therapist has been trying to help me work on my people pleasing issues so maybe I shouldn’t avoid reconnecting with friends because I don’t want to temporarily deal with my boyfriend’s negative emotions around it.

It’s also just very difficult to communicate with him about this issue, if I’m to be trustworthy I need to feel like I can openly communicate, but that’s very difficult if I’m scared he’s going to get annoyed anytime I ask to speak to these people. He basically told me I just have to deal with it. To paraphrase he said his emotions around this situation are rational, he’s not trying to control me/stop me, and I can’t expect him not to feel some type of way about it.