I love my husband but I don’t think I’ll ever trust him again

This is going to be a tough read.

I honestly don’t know where to begin but I really need advice because I feel like I’m drowning emotionally.

I met my husband online. We spoke for around 3 years long distance before getting married. Our families got involved in about second year and because of the distance, we actually met for the first time on our wedding day. Crazy, I know.

At the start I genuinely believed he was the love of my life. I loved him with my whole heart. I was always present, always available, always emotionally invested in him. I gave him my all, I stopped having any male friends, became more modest as a Muslim tried to be closer to God.

A few months into our marriage, everything shattered.

I saw things on his phone and found out that during the years we were together, he had been talking to multiple girls online, including an ex even months before our wedding. Nothing physical happened as far as I know, but there were emotional exchanges, pictures, lies, hidden conversations, and honestly a very very intense past that he only shared maybe 5% of with me. The rest I found out myself.

It completely destroyed me. I cannot explain the pain of realizing the person you trusted most had another side to them all along. I felt physically sick. I cried constantly. I genuinely wanted to die at one point, but God kept me strong.

Ironically, through all this, I found my way back to God. I had abandoned prayer for a long time and this situation brought me back to praying and reconnecting with my faith.

The hardest part is that right after all this happened, I found out I was pregnant. Literally a day after telling him I wanted to wait before having children because I was still healing, I found out I was expecting.

Going through betrayal during pregnancy was one of the hardest things I’ve ever experienced.

He asked for forgiveness. He cried. He promised to change and said he would make it up to me. I told him I would never look at him the same way again because something inside me broke permanently. I even told him that if he had come clean before marriage — even on our wedding day — I would still have respected him more than hiding it all.

Fast forward to now: we have a beautiful baby boy and he is genuinely the best thing in my life.

But emotionally, I still struggle every single day.

I overthink constantly. I get intrusive thoughts and “what ifs.” My heart feels fragile all the time because the fears I had before marriage — fears I used to dismiss — turned out to be true. That changes a person deeply.

I chose to forgive him, but I still feel like I loved him more than he loved me. I was always the one expressing love more, trying more, caring more. Sometimes I feel like he took my love for granted because he knew I would never leave.

I cry almost every day. I keep wondering if I made the wrong choice staying. I’m terrified he could become that person again someday. He’s not very affectionate naturally and because of everything that happened, I constantly question whether he’s even attracted to me or values me the way I value him.

At the same time, I know he cares about me in his own way and has tried to improve.

I just don’t know how to move on from this mentally.

If anyone has gone through something similar, especially in marriage, please tell me honestly:
Does this pain ever truly go away?
How do you stop overthinking and rebuilding trust after betrayal?