i stopped taking meds and i feel great and terrible all at once

i love that i can now experience my emotions again, i felt like such a zombie the last few years but it was also nice to not cry at every little thing. i do appreciate the tears of beauty i experience, my best friend recently proposed and before they did they told me and it gave me the happiest of tears. i wish i could even feel that way about myself sometimes. i love them so much and their love inspires me.

yet i also feel so empty again and am on a constant search for stimulation. this diagnosis is relatively new (3y) and i was only on meds for 2. i love how happy i feel some days but also feel so much pain in my heart and feel so alone. i have so many “friends” but not people who i feel like i can truly lean on to share how i feel, so i’m here. i think i am starting to drive my gf crazy and even though i sometimes feel so sick of her, she truly is such an angel who i think probably deserves better than what i can offer.

i really don’t know what i need by posting but just needed to vent. i feel like i am ruining my life by being myself and just wish i could move past this. i am 30f and just want to feel “normal“. not sure if being on meds is equivalent to what normal ppl feel like but i don’t want that either.