it feels like the fear of abandonment isolates me more than real abandonment does

i was abandoned by my parents due to physical neglect and drug abuse. i was malnourished and starved until one day at 11 months old, i somehow crawled onto the road and a neighbour found me , who then called the police. i was in the care system and seperated from my brother, who i never saw again. i struggled alot as a child and i couldnt speak because no one talked to me and my brother was low functioning autistic and 2 years old at the time. i had bad foster parents until my most recent ones, when i was then adopted. i gave my adoptive parents living hell and was selfish as a teenager. i acted way too drastically over the smallist things and at 17 self sabotaged my first relationship, with a boy who was good to me at the time. i am 22 now and was diagnosed with bpd a couple years ago. since my diagnosis, i have been through CAT therapy and DBT. it has been really difficult, i suffered through more relationship struggles and i havent ever kept a friend before, even throughout school from a young age. i dropped out of highschool, failed at everything i tried to achieve and lost my passion for everything. i dont have any stable friendships and when i speak to poeple its usually a one-off and i barely see them again. i have no job because i have no motivation at the moment either.
im selfish and my boyfriend puts up with me being needy and i struggle to give him space when he needs it. i never mean to burden or hurt him, but i am and its killing me. im too emotionally dependant and i would rather die surrounded by people who hated me, than die alone one day. i am weird and socially awkward, but i know im a good person. i just want someone to hold me and tell me everything is going to be okay when im feeling like this. ive lost all shame, i dont care who sees this, but i want genuine friends who can understand me.

i once saw a video of a woman explaining what its like to live with bpd and she described someone or something else (emotional mind) taking control of your rational mind, but the rational was stuck behind a glass screen banging constantly trying to smash through to stop the emotional one taking over.

i dont really have much of a family and i love my adoptive parents to bits, but i want a stable social life, love life and to feel secure in one city since i keep feeling the need to move around for constant 'fresh starts'.

i just want someone to talk to about this and share my experience because i really want to hear how people get through this or if you understand.