I think this world is too cruel for my heart… i’m so tired

I’ve been through a lot in my life, especially my childhood, CSA, years of bullying that lead to me dropping out, I self harmed my first few years of high school, had suicidal thoughts etc. it’s affected me a lot, i’m seen as weird… I don’t really speak to anyone I don’t live with and when I do its very quiet and broken… I dunno how to explain it, its like I got stripped of who I am as a person, we all have our own shit going on in our lives, we all have shit we’re dealing with and I try to treat everyone with kindness because of that, in my case I got destroyed as a child and never got the chance to heal, I’ve basically had no friends since I was in 2nd grade… I’m scared of making any in all honesty… like I said, I feel like this world is too cruel for my heart.

A few months ago I met a guy, I ended up really having a crush on him, and I don’t know why, despite knowing I’ve never really had contact with those outside my house and how hard it is for me to communicate and learn to be myself around someone new… I really wanted to try, so I did, I mustered up all the courage I had and went on a date with him, even managed to ask a few questions. It turned sexual very quick, from the first date and… I was scared to say no when with him, so I didn’t, I hate myself so much for that, I never said no. He was my first kiss, my first everything, even my first time cuddling someone. After a few times of seeing each other, he asked to be just FWB, and it’s so fucking sad but he was all i’d ever had in my life besides my family and I was scared to lose him, even if it meant losing my self respect, so I stuck with him. It became like a routine, and we barely spoke when with each other, I mean, even though I chose to stick with him… I had just gave someone a chance to show me how beautiful human connection can be for the first time in my life and… instead he showed me how cruel humans can be all over again.

2 weeks ago he ended it, and he’s been posting videos and photos of him and a new girl together, making out, saying they’re each others best friends, I love you etc since. It’s sickening me, 1 because thats all the stuff he told me at first but 2… because he’s public with her, he wouldn’t do anything public with me at all, and they’re officially in a relationship and people are congratulating them, why her, and not me? What was so wrong with me you had to destroy me all over again when this world has already destroyed me a million times over and over again?

And the worst part? For the first time since 7-8th grade, I self harmed, i’m not proud of it, I feel fucking destroyed and I don’t want to be here.

It feels like i’m in hell, and theres no way out. I just don’t want to be here any more. :/