Feel guilty for dramatizing my parent’s behavior

(long post)

Something very minor happened a few days ago but it made me start questioning a lot of things and having all these memories come up. Over the past view days I’ve gone through a phase of internally thinking of my parents as “emotionally abusive.” I haven’t been able to sleep and I have stayed up until 4 and 6am the last two days. I feel really guilty, pathetic, and stupid for thinking of my parents this way. I know I am being dramatic and I feel bad for seeking attention on the internet because I can’t deal with normal parent-child conflicts.

My parents are super affectionate and doting half the time, and the other half they react in ways I’ve been feeling are unfair or unreasonable. My sister (20F) and I (16F) are both very spoiled children, and our parents give us big allowances and gifts, drive us everywhere because we don’t have our licenses (even though we are old enough), and dont make us do chores. They call us their babies and call us pet names. My dad calls us his “sweet angel babies.” Our parents constantly compliment our physical appearances and tell us how much they love us, and are also very physically affectionate.

Our parents separated when we were 9 and 13, and our parents went through a very hard time emotionally which they sometimes took out on us. We only live with our mom, she has panic disorder, and has had to sacrifice a lot for us. After they separated our mom was always stressed and sad and had a lot on her plate. I have painful memories from this time period but I feel guilty for remembering them and thinking they are a big deal, when even my sister who got the brunt of it doesn’t seem to care at all.

During this time period, my sister and mom would get into fights where my mom would scream at my sister. This was really stressful to me and I would get mad at my sister because I thought it was her fault at the time, and she would say it was hard for her too. This one time, my sister didnt want to go to our dads house (she was tired from a dance competition and we didn’t have a room or any stuff there, we slept on the couch). Our mom was super mad about this and she screamed at my sister that she would kill herself if we didn’t go to our dad’s house. I was only ten and I thought she was serious, so I started begging and crying to her to not kill herself but she didn’t even stop arguing with my sister. Later, she was very quiet, and I think she was crying. She took me for a walk, was sad, and told me how “crazy” my sister was. She never apologized or talked to us about this incident.

Another one of these screaming incidents happened when my sister hid her first period from our mom, and denied that it happened when our mom questioned her. Our mom was telling her how “crazy” she was and how “no one else does that,” and that she was “seriously messed up” and needed therapy for doing something like that.

Last summer we went on a hike, and it was hard for me. She would get mad at me when I took breaks too often. At about halfway to the viewpoint I told my mom that I couldnt do the hike anymore, but that she could still do the rest of the hike and I would wait for her. She got mad at me, cursing at me and said she would “never forgive me” if I didn’t finish the hike. She said it in a very serious way. She said that I didn’t care about her because when you care about someone you do the things they enjoy with them. She said that I was way younger than her and that I should be able to do the hike no problem (she is a full time personal trainer/fitness instructor).

She has also been very strict about grades and things like that. I think that in some ways this is justified but I also feel like it’s unfair that I feel like such a “bad kid,” for pretty minor things. I have a 3.8 uw gpa (out of 4.0), and I have taken the SAT once and got a 1430 (out of 1600). I have done a sport every school year, I’m in NHS, take the most advanced classes at my school (calculus, IB diploma), and plan to go to med school when I’m older but I feel like I am treated like a “bad kid.” My mom often says I don’t have a work ethic and “dont care,” because I have gotten some Bs (I have also gotten one C, but luckily she doesn’t know that) and never had a job. She has been super strict with me about grades since I was 11, and I understand why, because I procrastinate a lot and tend to have late/missing assignments, but it also made me feel REALLY bad. I don’t usually get upset easily and tend to be confident/chill, but the times I have not been have all been because of confrontations with my parents. There was this one time that I was in 7th grade and my mom had just yelled at me about having a missing assignment and I felt so worthless. I know this is so dramatic.

My mom told me that I should retake my 1430 SAT, which is probably true, but when I said that my sister got a 1370 and got into a T20 school, she told me that my sister had a lot more “going for her” (ie: 4.0, better extracurriculars).

I also skip school. Not every day, but usually attendance is around 80-85%. I feel like I can’t focus in class because of the environment and how many people are in every class, so I skip school to do my work, or sometimes because I am really tired. I’m not saying I think this is justified, I know it is irresponsible. One time, I had only slept four hours and I was super tired so I just took the bus home without asking my parents. I was hiding in my sister’s closet because I was scared of my mom. She knew I was hiding in the house somewhere and she threatened to call the police if I didn’t come out. I know that is deserved put it put me in a bad place mentally for a day (dramatic I know). She told me that I wasn’t going to graduate and then after told me I should go to trade school (I have no interest in the trades and I’m an A calculus/bio student) After, I blocked the school on her phone so she wouldn’t know if I did miss a class (which is an immoral thing to do I know).

I am also late to school a lot and by a lot (10-20m). I have been since elementary school and since my dad takes me to school, I make him wait for a long time (30m-1hr). I know this is bad but there was this one time in october this year when he was really aggressive. He was waiting by the door and as soon as I approached he tried to block the door and started yelling at me, then we went out to the car and he was yelling at me more, he was saying f\*\*\* every other word and telling me how i’m never going to be sucessful in the real world/with a real job, and how i’m not “fucking special.” This made me really upset and after I was crying in the bathroom. Again, this is not how I feel or act normally, only when my parents talk to me this way. I actually blocked him (I only see him when he takes me to school) and later when I told my mom what he did she was just mad he was “telling her how to parent.”I only blocked him a few hours because my sister kept telling me I should unblock him. He texted me that afternoon saying “I’m sorry I lost my temper this morning,” and then every night for a week after he would text me “I love you,” “goodnight” and use pet names like “my precious daughter.” I felt guilty for ignoring all of these texts and my sister wanted me to reconcile with him. I told my mom I wouldn’t see him in person unless I was with my sister. I didn’t see him until christmas, now though our relationship is back to normal.

I remember when I was 12 I had a friend who had ADHD and I related to her a lot about things she struggled with (whether I did or did not have ADHD isn’t really relevant) but when I tried to ask my mom about her she got really mad at me and I remember trying not to cry. She took me on a walk where she was totally silent, and just said “no you do not” or something like that. Now though, she tries to joke with me or my sister about how I might be autistic (which I definitely don’t agree with) because she thinks I have bad social skills (when I’m talking to her apparently, because I actually don’t think I do and I have plenty of close friends and aquintennces, am polite and other adults like me and have called me “personable” before which she actually laughed when I told her that.) When she witnesses me talking to my best friend, she will shame me after for my “social skills,” even though my friend and I are super close, and have no problems. I know that this is probably a pretty typical thing for a parent to do, but I don’t like it.

In general, my mom gets offended by my sister and me very easily (but also I feel like this might be reasonable and I just don’t see it from a parent’s perspective). There was this one time my mom got offended by my sister and argued with her. This was while we were out at dinner, and my sister left (we were 13 and 17 in this example), and I stayed. My mom started ranting about how she wished she had more grateful kids, and quote “what’s wrong with you all?” and “you suck.” Then she got mad at me for not wanting to make dinner conversation after. I told my sister to come back but she didn’t because the situation was “too stressful” for her. Then when I said I was annoyed with our mom, she got annoyed at me for “hating on mom,” and told me that if she was there she would be making conversation (no she wouldn’t have).

I feel bad because our mom is always very stressed, and I feel bad because I don’t listen to or help her. Earlier this year, she was stressed about the the divorce and she couldn’t find her keys to take me to dance and she was crying and frantically looking for them and she asked me to help and I was just frozen. She went downstairs and screamed really loudly as she sobbed, and then a minute later she came upstairs with her keys, and took me to practice. I feel bad for not being empathetic to her, but all I wanted was to be away from her and I felt totally numb for half an hour afterwards.

She is also very stressed about the cleanliness of the house, and my sister and I dont help out much around the house. The shared living spaces are really clear/clutter free, and they are kept very clean. When my sister and I would come home from school, use some dishes and put them in the sink, mess up the blankets/pillows in the living room, and drop our stuff down on the floor or table, she would see it and immediately get irrritated and tell us we had “trashed the house,” and that we were lazy.

In general, she frequently gets irritated and snaps at me, telling me how disrespectful I am. She is very sensitive about communication and she will get mad at me if I don’t respond to her texts very soon, or communicate the detailed about something well enough. This one time, I was hanging out with a friend and I was away from my phone cause we were in playing volleyball. She texted me (exact timestamps)“How will you get home?” @ 9:12pm, and “Please respond” @ 9:13pm. When I hadn’t responded by 9:19pm she texted me “If you can’t show me the courtesy of a response, maybe you can’t be allowed to leave the house without a grownup.” I responded @ 9:25pm. Another time, I had a club meeting and I had accidentally told her that we were meeting at the spot that we usually did, when we were meeting at a place 5 minutes away. My phone had also died, so I had to use someone else’s to tell my mom the right place to pick me up, but she had already gone to the usual place. When I got in the car, she was telling me how irresponsible it was and then saying she accidentally left an “angry” voicemail to the kid’s phone that I used to text her because she forgot it wasn’t mine. When I get irritated when she is mad at me for things like this, she says “oh so you don’t think it’s reasonable to want \[…\]?”

When we have disagreements she tells me how disrespectful I am, and when I am acting distantly/not wanting to talk to her she tells me “ I feel like I’m with your dad again.” She will ask me “am I a good mom?” or “have I been a good mom?” and tell me how she “knows” I won’t call her when I’m in college and that i’ll completely ignore her. The other day she was asking me about a summer job, and even though I wasn’t fully against it, I wanted to decide myself, and I told her that I already had a really busy summer and she told me that I didn’t have any responsibilities (what responsibilities do you have?) She was getting mad and I told her I didn’t want to talk to her about this right now because I didn’t want to fight. She went quiet for a few minutes and then she said “no other parent would tolerate this level of disrespect.” And then said she was “done” with it and she wouldn’t have to for much longer once I graduate soon enough. She left the car and snapped at me to take my drink from the cup holder even though I hadn’t even left without it.

I don’t want to make this too long, but I could keep going. She has never apologized for any of these things, or even talked about them. She just goes back to normal and “doting.” She is also pretty lenient about some things I know other parents aren’t. Some things will make her mad only sometimes, and other times she is completely fine with it. When I have tried to set boundaries with her about any of these things or I didn’t like how she talked to me, she says things like “you think other parents dont care about \[…\]?” Yesterday, she asked where I was the night before (after the job thing). I told her I went on a walk with my friend (true) and she was in a good mood and joked “did you tell her how mean I am?” and told me I would have “no material.” This makes me feel really delusional and over sensitive. I don’t think I am a very good daughter, and I know I shouldn’t care about these things and that parents need to express their authority, but I can’t stop thinking of these things as unfair. My sister would never talk to me about any of this, especially now that she lives across the country. I feel like I’m holding my mom’s hurt against her and things she did a long time ago, especially when she is so nice and supportive a lot of the time.

TL;DR My parents are really supportive, but sometimes react in ways that hurt me. I feel bad for overreacting to normal parent-teen conflicts and not being empathetic to my mom.