understanding feeling for an older guy

My coach was just recently fired after another teacher reported messages between us. I was told by a friend who is still able to communicate with him, it’s for the best if me and him never speak again. He is too scared to contact me after the police were involved.

So, after a couple days of being depressed and just thinking, I’m starting to realize how much I really liked him. Me and him texted for hours, all day, everyday. I really liked talking to him and he always understood me as a person. He was funny and sometimes, yeah, he would say kind of weird stuff, but it never made me dislike him.

What I think about the most is the time we hung out outside of practice to play the sport just us alone and it felt so personal. While picking up we would walk next to each other and he would talk about stories of his life and we were so close. It was like I could feel tension. I just miss him so much, more than I thought I would. I’m realizing now I feel like I thought of him more than a coach and more as someone I wanted to be with.

I know I won’t be able to talk to him or see him ever again and that has me so depressed. I felt like we had something going. I don’t know if he felt this same way about me, but as weird as it sounds I hope he liked me. I wonder if he thinks about me the same way I think about him right now. I just wish things were different and I don’t know how to feel about any of this.