i feel like i HAVE TO do it everyday or i’m invalid

I would say it’s 50/50, sometimes I do it because I actually have the urge and then sometimes I do it because “I have to.” I feel like if I don’t do it everyday then it’s not actually serious. I also am noticing myself wanting to make sure my cuts are deeper. I’m 18 now & this something I’ve struggled off and on with since I was 12 but it’s never been this bad. Does anyone else feel this way? I kinda feel crazy because its like I hate my scars already but yet want worse ones and want to feel validated??