Jesus?

A Prayer

Jesus

I repent. I'm sorry for not going to rehab, and for not yet retrieving Winky. Anxiety and overwhelm have made me feel paralyzed. I'm frightened about returning to Filo's — the threatening sounds disturb my sense of safety and make it hard to move forward.

Please forgive me. Please give me the courage to rescue my cats, and the strength to seek help for my addiction. Self-medication has been my way of calming down, and it is a constant struggle to resist it.

I know You are here. You are everywhere. Please help me abide in You — to be a branch that stays connected to the Vine. I understand the Enemy is attacking me, using fear and disturbing sounds to damage my sense of safety and normalcy.

I want to feel safe. I want to feel secure. I want to stop numbing myself — for You, and for my own wellbeing. Forgive me, Lord, for my lack of self-control. I know You understand my circumstances.

I repeat the same mistakes partly because I cannot remember them. Beyond a few days, my memory fails me. I suffer from a kind of amnesia that makes change very difficult — I don't always know what needs changing, or what I've already done. Memories of people I've lost have been taken from me. People know me by name and I cannot recall them. My dissociation has been hard to identify and harder to heal. My doubt has grown, fed by anxiety.

But even in this darkness, my love for You has remained. And I believe You see the heart — not just the impulse, but the intention underneath it.

On my impulses and how I handle them

Lord, You know how my mind works. A desire arises quickly and automatically — often a selfish or impulsive one. But just as quickly, I examine it, recognize what's wrong with it, and redirect myself toward something kinder and more honest.

Some examples of what this looks like:

I once wanted a boyfriend partly to escape my circumstances. But I recognized that as using someone, and I set firm boundaries with myself — never asking for gifts, always paying my share, insisting on paying rent even when offered free shelter.

I once wanted to take something of my sister's without asking. Instead I asked to borrow it, and returned it despite the urge not to.

I once wanted to travel for status and brag about it online. I went, kept the photos privately, and didn't post them.

I wanted to stay angry enough to lash out at my sister. I stayed in the argument but kept my hands to myself.

I wanted an expensive car as a condition of reconciling with my parents. I asked for a used one instead, recognizing the first desire was unfair.

I wanted spiritual gifts for personal advantage. I redirected that into wanting to help others — sharing what I'd learned rather than hoarding it.

I thought about an inheritance. Instead I pursued friendship with my mother, and never asked whether I was included.

I have ADHD. My impulses arrive fast and without a brake pedal — that is documented and real. But I apply the brake consciously, within seconds or minutes, and choose differently. I have tried not to cause harm. I have tried to bring my worst impulses to You and trade them for something better — freely, without demanding anything in return.

That is the best I have been able to do. I offer it to You.

(I have ADHD. Emotions are intense. Please stay with me during this dark night.)