COCSA

I (f22) as a young child was assualted by my sister, I don't really talk about this very much tbh theres very few people i have told, its hard I guess? I feel like it definitely effects me sexually and my relationship dynamics, I panic at anything sexual but then theres times where I'm severely depressed in the past and engaged in sexting with random strangers I dont know online and then after I feel really gross and end up blocking them. I feel ashamed alot because of my sister(23) who I kept a relationship with till last year when I blocked her, I hated any form of physical contact with her and would refuse hugs from her or I'd tell her I dont like when she says she loves me she was like a walking trigger in my life. I dont even know if she remembers doing any of that, I remember catching her doing it to my brother too who was much younger than me at the time whilst I was faking sleeping next to them, I remember having horrible anxiety when I realised what she did to me she was doing to my brother too. I don't know how to cope with this, it eats me up everyday and I feel like it gets worse in relationships because I overthink everything sexually and then I feel like I'm not good enough but then it confuses me that I can have sexual moments with random strangers when I'm depressed. Has anyone else experienced these feelings and can relate to cocsa?