I'm feeling tired, and honestly I don't know how I still haven't ended everything

Before I begin anything, I know my parents aren't perfect, but I just need to get this out my system.

Is it normal, to call your child "bobo", "gago", "tanga", all versions of the word stupid in tagalog. In more recent memory it always leads back to these three words, words that not only have stuck with me but also have been engraved into my mind. I've never done anything right, I'm disrespectful, and in what they're making me feel, I'm the problem.

My dad has mellowed out more, yes we have had fights here and there but it's not as often as my bitch of a mother, "It hurts me to say these things to you" then why continue saying it, "it hurts me when I hit you" then why continue doing it.

I'll be lying if I didn't say that I have thought of ending myself so that they don't have a problem anymore, because honestly that's all what I felt I was, a problem, and if not their problem, their investment, "you're gonna repair the house when you get a stable income" why didn't you do it before I was born? Yes you took care of me when I was younger, but isn't that the responsibility of a parent?

To take care and guide their children but why is it that you are making it seem like it was something extraordinary, yes i'm thankful they took care of me when I was younger but making it seem like this out of this world parenting is fucking hilarious.

Arguments aren't any help either, talk back normally, nope, talk back louder, def not, talk back more calmly, still nothing, stay silent, yeah you get the point. Not only that, but really you have the fucking audacity to say "why remember the bad times when you can remember the good ones" maybe because they had more impact, maybe because they were more vivid, maybe because they hurt.

And i'm actually jealous of my best friend, because when I visit their place, I see what a family looks like without all this, without the screaming, without the fighting, I saw what a family looks like where everyone supports each other.

I'm only turning 20 this year but I feel so done, "you'll know the feeling when you have a child of your own/become a parent", no, I probably won't, because you both did teach me one thing. Don't become an asshole to your own child. They also taught me to be more secretive and more alert, no privacy, i'm always on guard at home, and I have things I have never told them. Just for my own peace I hide way more than I share.