my first time ever self harming

a few weeks ago i built up a ton of anger and with it came a lot of sadness, it was caused by my parents and an “evaluation” i made of myself because of them. i don’t feel like going into detail but as soon as i got home i listened to some music to calm down but it really just wouldn’t go away, i remember gripping my arm with my hand/nails and in the moment i grabbed my micron pen (005 tip) and just kind of went at my wrist, i had no idea what i was doing, all i know was that i hoped it would fix something. i showered after that and once i got out i noticed the self harm brought me a weirdly strong sense of peace and comfort. it felt like personal care in a way, like the first time i did something to help my body. there was bright red marks on my arm from gripping it, and the same for my wrist, there was never any penetration and it simply agitated my skin enough to raise the skin where i “cut”. it’s like the pain from the harm made all other feelings go away in such a relieving way. i’m kind of glad i found this out but i honestly don’t want to keep self harming.

is this why you guys cut? is it a relief? i genuinely know nothing about self harming but i hope i relate to someone.