How I feel with CPTSD.

I'm a total and utter loser in life , and lost so many opportunities than I can count due to my CPTSD. I no longer feel anything towards anyone, I'm alive but not living, breathing but emotionally suffocating, and constantly feel like a zombie. I look at people and see the life in their eyes. I look at couples outside and see how they act and I could almost feel their will to live and joy in life. I see life and I am in it, but I can't get it. I feel like an astronaut, who's in space, and yet restrained by his suit and can't actually touch or feel space.

My jaw is constantly clenched and when i try and force it to relax it starts to shake. I think my entire body is against me, not just in terms of looks and how much i hate it, but also internally, I can't sleep even when I'm tired, and when I do I sleep for ages. I feel constantly on edge, and always awair of how ugly I look.

I'm approaching 30 and have 0 life activities that normal people do, no romance or relationships ever, no close friends and the ones I made during school leaft to other countries, and no solid prospects for my future.

I always fear upsetting someone when I speak, so I keep to myself and only speak when I have something to say, that I found to be a virtue to be honest, but my point is that I can't feel relaxed or at home with anyone except one close friend, who's in a different country as i mentioned. meaning I never feel like myself around people, and always try to avoind being myself or joke around or be spontaneous in fear of upsetting someone.

and I always fear rejection and judgment. I can't or wont make new friends cuz I don't want to invest in something that'll blow in my face when i say or do something wrong.

I feel no joy or reasons to live anymore. I had 2 self deletion attempts in the last 2 years, tried therapy, anti-depressants, and all sorts of "help" from family members, but all of it was for naught, there's nothing more painful than asking for help from the few people you know care about you, only for them to "help" you and then finding yourself nowhere and back at square one!

In the end I feel like a ceramic dall that was broken with thousands of seems and cracks that will shatter at the slightest touch or hard event. one more fucked up shit in my life and I'll be done.

I honestly don't have a main punchline in this post, but I guess it's a call for help. so how on earth do you guys manage this mental illness? how the hell can anyone survive it? cuz to me it feels like the equivalent of Cancer in the mental illness genre!