Sharing thoughts about my struggles in the Faith

I don’t see too many posts here about people sharing their spiritual journeys and their spiritual struggles, so maybe this post will change things a bit, lol.

First some background. I am a relatively young Baha’i, having accepted Baha’u’llah’s teachings in 2019 after being non religious for a couple of decades. For someone who, in my youth, was a Christian, the teachings of Baha’u’llah were a breath of fresh air and seemed to answer many questions that I had when I was a Christian and led me to leave that faith. That said, my being a Baha’i has come at a time when I have had a lot of tests in my life, and recently I’ve had some struggles and questions about this faith. For some reason, I’m feeling the need to put some of my thoughts out there, and see if it might resonate with some of you.

1. I am a solitary Baha’i. This means I don’t personally know any other Baha’is. But a very busy life with raising a family, etc., prevents me from going out to Baha’i events here in Japan. And even if I had the time, the Baha’i center in the Osaka area is very far from my house. Also, I am an American, who is not fluent in Japanese. The best I can do at the current time is to communicate with Baha’s online and places like this forum.

2. Because of the first point, I haven’t been to any organized Baha’i event. So I may have a misinformed view. However, some things about the organization are concerning. Baha’i events and organizations can seem rigid and bureaucratic. I’ve heard about how in Japan, the Baha’i groups don’t allow foreign visitors unless they have an official letter of good standing from their home assemblies. That seems to be a bit over the top. And I kind of worry about registering, because I don’t know what that means in practical terms. Am I obligated to participate? Do people show up to my house unannounced, which could be a problem for my atheist wife?

3. The teachings against backbiting make a whole lot of sense. At the same time, it has caused a lot of stress for me over the years. There are a lot of tests at my workplace, and a lot of people that have worked against me, and there are times when venting to somebody trusted about what’s going on would probably have helped me out. But my fear of backbiting kept me from doing so for a very long time. One day, I was in a conversation with someone trusted. And I ended up talking about a lot of the things that stressed me at the job, and how a lot of people did me wrong. That person was very supportive of me and encouraged me and helped me out. That person uplifted me. I felt a lot of stress relieved at that point. But I couldn’t shake the feeling that I sinned somehow.