Boyfriend binge drinks

Me (F28) and my boyfriend (M28) have known eachother for about 12 years and been a couple (and lived together) for a little more than a year now. We both have alcoholic fathers and we both have had mixed problems with alcohol ourselves throughout our lives. My father is sober nowadays tho, and I have control over my drinking (rarely drink, and when I do drink I have strict limits that I think a lot about both before and during my drinking-moment).
I’ve always known that my bf’s issues are bigger, go deeper, come from completely different places, and that he have had very little control over it; and it’s mainly because of that that it have taken this long for us to actually get together, because he have not wanted to bring that chaos to be, and I have not felt that I’ve been strong enough to handle it.
So when he, during the fall/winter of 2024, started talking about how ready he finally felt, how he wanted to move back and be with me and how prepared he was to do whatever it takes, I really believed him. So he moved in here, and all was good. When we drank we did it together and it was just good and fun. Sometimes he felt the need to do it at other times to, like when he had a really bad day, but he asked me first and limited himself so I didn’t see it as a problem. Then those moments became more frequent, so I brought it up and told him that it couldn’t continue like that because I have a child (10years old) that lives here too and I refuse to have my child grow up around alcohol like that.
My bf listened, understood, and cut back down on his drinking again.

We had an incidents where he took alcohol that was mine and that I was saving without asking, and another incident where he spent a whole day going to the fridge and sipping wine behind my back, but we talked it out and he understood the seriousness of it and didn’t do it again.
I really thought that those things was the hard part, and that it would all be better. But it has just gotten worse.

We can’t drink together anymore because 95% of the time we just get mad at eachother and have big fights about small things (not physical). This have resulted in me drinking way less, many times not at all, and he just drinks alone instead. When he’s drunk and get mad he also have a habit of taking it out on my things; on new years he ruined my glasses, one time he ruined a plastic box that I stored fabric in, and two weeks ago he broke my rocking chair etc.

Two weeks ago really became a breaking point. He hadn’t been drinking for a pretty long time (because he didnt have money) so when he finally got money he ofc wanted to drink. So we went to the liquor store that Friday, to buy the alcohol that we were gonna drink the day after when we had plans to go to a party with my brother. But my bf wanted to drink on Friday too, so he did, and it was way too much, way too fast, and went completely to hell. He was SO mean to me, said awful things and behaved despicably. I was sober and didn’t understand at all why he got so mad or what I did wrong; because I knew that I didn’t do anything wrong, I was so extremely mindful about everything I said and did just because I didn’t want anything like this to happen. But he just kept going and it all ended with the worst panic attack I’ve ever had in my whole life, and me cutting myself deeper that I ever have done before in a desperate attempt to calm the anxiety.

He stopped being mean when he saw all the blood; and it feels so goddamn awful that THAT is what apperantly was needed.
I put pressure on the wound, called the ambulance and during the whole time while we were waiting my bf just appologised and cried. I didn’t feel like right then and there was the moment to talk about everything, so we decided to come back to it all the day after, which we did.
We spent the next day talking A LOT, I explained how his drinking is effecting me nowadays and how worthless he make feel sometimes, and how this incident really was the last straw for me, that I can’t risk this happen again because it all scared the shit out of me. I felt SO unsafe, he was SO unpredictable. And when we talked, it really felt like he understood, was ashamed and wanted to make a difference.

But since then he have been drinking almost everyday. Most of the days it have ”only” been 1-2 beers, but yesterday he drank 3 litres of wine in one night, and 2L the day before, and 1L the day before that. It feels like it’s getting worse the more I talk to him about it, but it effects me really badly nowadays, and also makes ME want to drink even tho I know I shouldn’t (and at the same time as I’m terrified of doing it with him), so I don’t really feel like I can just be quiet and let him ”handle it” either.

I’m sorry for such a long text but I hope that at least someone have the patience to read through it all, because i really don’t know what to do anymore. I really don’t want to give up on us. I’ve waited 12 years for this. He’s the love of my life. But I can’t live like this. It’s ruining me.