I‘m feeling like a bad person but can‘t do anything about it

I‘ve been in therapy for years cause i was abused as a child. I have a very narcisstic mom with also BPD and a very cold avoidant dad. And I had to listen to them screaming for 20 years daily + was suffering abuse from them aswell. Also, I later on had 2 very abusive relationships with men who I got into therapy, like I never succesfully could with my mom. Didn‘t even know they had the same diagnosis my mom had.
I just found out about it bc after years both of these Exes messaged me and told me. I suffered from all kinds of abuse people can imagine. These people just broke me. While in therapy with 23-26,5 years my therapists and me also figured out my best friend isn‘t good for me… turns out she went to a clinic and got BPD aswell. All of this was crazy to me to realize. Because I am normally extremly scared of people with BPD.

Here the issue:
i think bc of what happened in my life, and the people with BPD i got to know, i‘m stigmatizing that disorder.. but I feel like I can‘t do nothing. For example there was a girl at university and I was sure we could‘ve been friends. Well one day she told me she has bpd. So i changed my seats at uni and when we had same courses . I was staying far away from her.
But all while feeling extremly bad about it. It‘s just mean. I am just so uncontrollably scared of people with BPD. Especially when they still not have been in therapy. I feel like I need to get away from them, or I‘ll just fucking die. Even if these people did nothing to me, they just have the same diagnosis.
I feel mean as fuck, I don‘t wanna be stigmatized myself with depression. So I realize I shouldn’t think like that. But I developed huge anxieties. I‘m scared of getting close to people nowadays in general, I keep people as far away from me as possible, so nothing feels too close. But when someone opens up to me about BPD, I am just in panic. I am just in alarm mode since 30 years.
I had cognitive behavioural therapy and trauma therapy already and both were great and helped me a lot.
But it‘s like I‘ll never be able to be vulnerable to anyone ever again. It just destroyed my trust in humans completly..I‘m 30 meanwhile and it just gets worse the older I get. I‘ve been a sunshine in my past life, even while severly depressed. Nobody ever noticed for 23 years. Very outgoing, very social. And I feel like now I am becoming very avoidant and cold aswell and also I feel like I lost all my skills to keep up friendships or get into friendships deeply.

What can I do to change my view on people with bpd?
And what to do when you feel like you cant connect to people anymore because of multiple Traumas that developed 😖 Had a lot of friends all my life but meanwhile i just mostly spend my time alone. I feel too overwhelmed for most of my friends. I just have energy to keep up with 1-2 and see them sometimes. I think my friends don‘t realize how important they‘re to me, i just can‘t show .. so when I disappear for weeks again or even a month, naturally we drift away from each other. Or the others don‘t feel that close to me anymore. I‘m even doing online tests for BPD myself weekly, cause I am so scared I am becoming like my mom… I fear that my many disappointments led me to avoiding what I love: people and my friends. I‘ve been very isolating lately and turned introvert and I hate it. But i don‘t know anymore how to be close to people, without feeling pain and having anxieties.