I’m in love with my best friend

Throwaway account. I have never made a post on Reddit so I hope this reads alright. I don’t expect anyone to read this either.

I (21) been in love with my best friend “A” (21) for 2 years. I am a pre transition trans man and she is fem presenting and unlabeled. Giving some context, we’ve known each other since the start of college. I am autistic and have always had nerdier interests, like anime and video games, and have always struggled making friends due to feeling out of place. I had one or two really close friends at this time, but those were people I had known for a long time to begin with.

We became close fairly quickly, due to our shared interests and hobbies. We got along so easy; easier than anyone I had interacted with at that time. By the end of Sophomore year (2nd year of college), we had became best friends. We told each other practically anything, we were fairly touchy, and this is when I first became scared I might have feelings.

I was in denial about this until sometime Junior year (3rd year of college). The thing was, she had a partner. Things weren’t smooth with them, for reasons unrelated to me, but she was looking to break up with them soon. Junior year I confessed to her, in the messiest way imaginable. I admit this may have been selfish on my end, however I had no intention of anything coming out of it or ruining her relationship. I simply had to let it off my chest because it was taking a toll on me. She told me that she was doubting if she had feelings for me at some point too. She kindly rejected me and said that even if she wasn’t in a relationship we were better off as friends, but hoped that this wouldn’t ruin anything.

I realized she may have been right and perhaps I felt the same way, that I was overthinking having a close friend for the first time in a while. Platonic vs romantic relationships have always been difficult for me to discern. I told her that I don’t think I ever had a crush on her, I just wasn’t used to a strong platonic attraction.

I believed this for a while, until around January of this year. So many of my friends are in relationships now, moving in together and making plans of marriage. When they talk about their plans, all I can think about is A and how much I want that with her. I felt like a dark and stormy rain cloud before I met her.

She is the sunshine that lights up my life. We are roommates and everyday I look forward to coming home to her and watching movies, playing video games, and even studying together. I would be happy doing anything as long as she was there by my side. She’ll kiss my lips and hold my hand and lean her head on my shoulder but call me her friend in the same sentence.

She’s the first person I felt like has truly understood me. She knows how to read my emotions even when I don’t, she knows when I’m upset and how to cheer me up. She’s beautiful, but she doesn’t know it. People stop her on the street all the time, because people are drawn to her for a reason. She’s radiant, she exudes a wonderful energy that makes me want to be a better person. She’s the most well meaning and kindhearted person I’ve ever met. She’s fun and easy to talk to. I truly felt as though Ive known her my whole life. She has that affect on people. Shes so incredibly smart and knowledgeable in everything she talks about. She’s left such a lasting effect on my life that I don’t know how to turn my feelings off without simply forgetting her completely.

She has broken up with her partner by now and the other day she said something about wanting a boyfriend. She also said she’s not ready to date anyone yet but she’d hope for it to be a man. She’s never made me feel any less of a man, but I couldn’t help but think she meant a cisgender man. I mean, it didn’t matter because she’d rejected me already anyways. I don’t understand why. She told me herself she was thought she might have feelings for me at some point. Why did she decide against it? Am I not attractive enough, am I too boring, too lame? I know sometimes it just comes down to unexplained lack of attraction but it hurts me so much she doesn’t feel the same way. I can’t help but wonder if I’d be more appealing if I were born a man.

Everything that brings me comfort reminds me of her. I want to be with her so bad. I know I’m young and this will blow over soon enough, but it feels like the end of the world now. If she turned around and said she changed her mind and wants to be with me, I’d follow after her in a heartbeat. I keep
hoping that all this is just that one trope where one person likes the other and get rejected, but then later they change their mind but don’t confess because they’re worried the other person has moved on. But I’d give up everything and do anything if it meant I could be with her. People say we look like a couple already, and ask if we’ve started dating yet. I wish I could say yes. I don’t think I could be with anyone else even though I’m open to it, because she’s all I could think about.

How do I get over this? Do I really have no chance? I wish I just saw her as a friend because it would be so easy that way. My heart breaks a little every day over her.