Raised by a Mormon Pedo

My parents divorced around 1990 because my Dad was involved in CSA. I was never directly victimized by him. But…

The bishop, the SP, other church authorities knew. Charges weren’t pressed. What was the law then?

In the divorce proceedings, he was only legally allowed supervised visits of us. I don’t need to get into my mom’s decisions of not following that…

The point of this post is twofold. One, it’s personal therapy for me to release it, in a way. My father is still close to everyone in the family and we all just… pretend. The forgiveness culture of the Mormon church instilled by my mom and oldest sibling… I was never presented with any other option. Just… forgive him.

I’m gay. I left the church 20 years ago but it has persistently and pervasively stayed in my body all of this time. It has been like eyes watching me… and a still small whisper repeatedly telling me I’m a mistake, I’m evil, I’m a tare to be burned for the preservation of the wheat. I’m scrap metal that couldn’t be properly shaped by the master in the refiner’s fire. My utility… is to be discarded.

I’ve had a lot of therapy. I feel very surprised to still be alive. Over the last 6 months, my relationships with my family have strained and been damaged, likely irreparably. The reason? I don’t want to keep secrets and pretend anymore.

I even confronted my Dad. At first, it was ugly. I told him he should have gone to jail. I yelled in his face… 37 years later. (There is nuance, for me… he’s not altogether a monster. I do have some love for him. And he has shown many signs of penance and best efforts to be better once he was removed from our home.)

The second reason I am posting this is… I have learned that my family’s history is not as abnormal as I thought it was all of these years. Abusive men are repeatedly protected by the institution circling the wagons. The bare-minimum legal requirements of church leaders are sometimes not met. This is a personal flair. However, this issue is institutional. And it is deep.

Being the offspring of an abusive pedophile who was inappropriately protected by this institution… I wish I was the only one; the only story.

I’m not.