can’t stop taking benadryl, cough meds and watching gore please help MASSIVE TW MENTION OF GORE AND DRUGS!!!

In December 2025 I had a really bad depressive episode after getting super sick and almost dying. I was also super bored in my life so i decided one day to buy benadryl from the gas station. Worst decision of my life. The first time I abused it i was having scary closed eye visuals and kept talking to myself. Even though the first time it made me paranoid with the feeling of uncomfortable akathisia i continued to abuse it. After some of my trips it would still leave me a little high and i’d my terrified crying in my room thinking someone’s gonna kill me or i would frantically pace around convinced somethings gonna happen.

After a bit, for harm reduction, i switched to a less harmful (obviously still bad) substance: dxm/cough medicine. I used only this for quite some time and my mental health got better since i didn’t feel like i was dying from benadryl all the time. But then i got put on psych meds which gave me the risk of Sertonin syndrome if i took dxm so i stopped and went back to benadryl. After a while i just stopped caring about the risk and took both regardless.

Benadryl is such a horrible dysphoric high but i can’t stop, i have no idea why. I also recently stumbled upon a gore website and ended up watching stuff on there literally every. night. This combined with the benadryl abuse just makes me so freaking depressed and paranoid i literally stay awake at night thinking about how if i make one wrong move someone will end up killing me or ill end up being brutally tortured. I know i sound stupid as hell but im genuinely traumatizing myself with both the benadryl and gore and i don’t know how to stop. I also can’t just try weed bc i took abilify a while ago and ever since then im not able to get high on weed sadly.. I plan speaking to my therapist about this but our next appt is june 1st so until then i have no idea what to do. I just wanna check myself in a psych ward tbh i can’t