Source
r/AlAnon•
sinfinity

My live-in boyfriend, a recovering alcoholic, has relapsed, and is holed up in a hotel room right now, drinking. I'm sitting here alone staring at all the unopened presents under the Christmas tree.

Thanks for reading.

He started his binge Friday night, and we had a really rough weekend where a lot of things that needed to be said were discussed. We started his comedown two nights ago, and I thought he was on his way to recovery. Enough so that I felt secure enough to leave and spend Christmas dinner with my family.

Well, I got home, and he was gone.

He got in touch, and explained to me that he started the recovery process because he knew how bad I wanted him to. But he knew the whole time that he wasn't finished. He's lied to me, and manipulated me.

I want to understand. I want to understand that this is the disease talking, and that this is the disease that's in control. I love him, and it breaks my heart to see him doing this to himself.

I understand that I need to make a choice of whether or not I'm going to stick through this with him and help him, or if I am just going to decide to leave him. Either way is going to be hard, and if I decide to stay with him, I am going to need a lot of support from other people who understand alcoholism. Because so far I feel like this is going to be one of the hardest things I ever decide to do, and that I'm going to have to be strong in ways that I never expected to be.

I appreciate you reading, and I hope that someone reaches out to me. I could really use help from someone who understands this.

Posted Dec 26, 2013, 1:53 AM UTC

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generXdad•

All I can offer is the serenity prayer. You are going to have to make a decision and it is going to be the hardest thing ever.

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sinfinityOP•

That's a good thing to keep in mind.

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generXdad•

yeah I don't know what else to say without asking a bunch of questions. You should try to find a local Al-Anon meeting or call your local rehab facility and see if they have friends & family support. Also facebook has some decent Al-Anon group pages that can help.

All in all, it just totally sucks dealing with an addict. most of us can not do it alone

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sinfinityOP•

Yes, the being alone thing is very difficult to deal with. I also have a bunch of questions that I know there aren't any answers to. I plan on attending an al-anon meeting on Sunday, so I'm hoping to find some answers there. Or at least the strength to get through this.

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generXdad•

I think a lot of us were alone at first. After I started reaching out for help I started to get comfortable sharing with a few people that I knew that my wife was in rehab/recovery.... I was/still am amazed how many people reply that they have an alcoholic in their life. Sometimes it's someone close, for others it's someone distant. But I've never had anyone reply with anything other than sympathy

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SraceKeep an open mind.•

I often find that serious situations like this one can seem more flummoxing and overwhelming when I feel like I need to "solve" them right now or make a decision quickly. I am the kind of person who takes a long time to make up my mind, but once I've made it up, I don't look back. I also really hate uncertainty and other negative feelings like anger and hurt, and it makes me crazy when I do not know where a relationship is going. Because of this, I can feel really stressed out and put myself under a lot of pressure to find a quick resolution to any difficulty.

One thing to think about is "first things first." This is a serious situation, and what do you need to do in the here and now to look after yourself? This could be as simple as eating a decent meal and going to bed early, or could include making a phone call to a supportive loved one, or even opening a present from your family that you know will be something nice, just for you.

If you need more time and you aren't in immediate danger, you can take the time to see how things unfold. You don't necessarily have to figure it out right away. Often I've found that the answers become crystal clear if I wait for a while and see how things shake out (as long as I'm not in a situation where I'm in danger physically or emotionally, that is). I now try to make decisions when I know I am feeling OK, and not hungry, angry, lonely or tired. There's a useful acronym in the program called HALT - if you are hungry, angry, lonely or tired, look after those needs first, and then tackle the bigger stuff.

Even once you do decide, any decision that you make can be "just for today". You don't have to sign up to live with the guy forever, through thick and thin. You might decide to stick with him and reach out to an Al-Anon group or counsellor for support for now. In the future, you can decide to leave whenever you feel like it's the right time to take that step. Most of us in this forum would probably say "Oh God, get out while you can, and while you haven't been too affected by someone else's disease," but you have to make the decision that you are comfortable with. Sticking with an alcoholic is an ongoing decision for sure, and one that a lot of my friends in the group seem to be making on a day to day basis, just the same as a lot of alcoholics stay sober "one day at a time."

Since you didn't get a chance to open the Christmas gifts, here's a little one for you - the Just for Today pamphlet (pdf). I usually ignore the prayer at the end, but I love the "just for today" parts, and I've found them really helpful.

I'm sorry you ended up with a crappy Christmas. HUGS, and take care!!!

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[deleted]•

[deleted]

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sinfinityOP•

The next meeting isn't until Sunday evening, so there's that.

My mother was an alcoholic during my teenage years, but she never tried to recover. I know that quitting is a process, and that relapsing happens, and there's this little thread of hope that he can make it through this.

He's been in recovery for three years, but he's never attended meetings, so there are plans to start that, if and when he comes home.

I hear you though about how awful that scenario would be. That's the part that gets me the most, is that I can't trust that he wouldn't do this again, and that there's nothing I can do once it begins.

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[deleted]•

[deleted]

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sinfinityOP•

Thank you. I actually just got back from an AA meeting, which I thought was an al-anon meeting, but they gave me the resources I needed to find an al-anon meeting this evening.

The AA meeting was incredibly insightful, and I feel so much better already. The people were very kind and open and helpful, and it was just what I needed.

I'll check out those books, for sure. Thank you so much for reaching out to help me. It means a lot.

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MmeLaRue•

I should point out that neither book is considered Conference Approved Literature. While this is not an official Al-Anon website or group, I feel that it is important to stick as closely as possible to the Al-Anon program as possible.

There are a few Al-Anon Conference-Approved books which may be helpful - The Dilemma of the Alcoholic Marriage is an older one, but still of tremendous value to those in intimate relationships; Opening Our Hearts, Transforming Our Losses is generally useful for dealing with grief or other pain associated with loss and disillusionment; and Discovering Choices, which helps rediscover our autonomy and our options for living (or not living) with an alcoholic.

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sinfinityOP•

Thank you for taking the time to reply. You wrote a lot of very thought-provoking things that are quite helpful.

I understand completely that urge to try to find a resolution to a problem. It's why I rushed him to stop drinking before he was ready. I just thought that if I could make him quit, it'd be over, and we could start moving past this. But it's not within my control, I'm realizing now.

Waiting is hard. I really feel like I need to decide what to do, so I'm going to try and just let go of the desire to make any sort of decision. I'm obviously very emotional right now, as continuing to feel detached as I was last night isn't a feeling that can last forever.

We have talked about going to meetings, so there's that. He's attended one AA meeting in his three years of recovery, and I think it would be something that would be very helpful to him. I myself plan to attend the next al-anon meeting on Sunday evening.

The urge to just get out of this relationship now is very strong. Every fiber in my being is screaming at me to end this toxic mess before I just get strung along into even more of his drama. I'm a college student working on a bachelor's degree, and this was not in my five-year plan...heh.

BUT. This is only his second relapse in three years. I believe that with help, he can learn ways to avoid relapsing in the future. But I know that I'll always have to live with an understanding that I'll always be afraid to leave him alone, and that I can never really trust him completely again. And that's just not healthy.

But, day-to-day, right? I feel sort of relieved that I don't have to make a decision today. And many thanks for that pdf. I think I'm stuck on every single letter of HALT right now, and I've reread Just for Today about three times already.

Again, thanks for taking the time to reach out. It's much appreciated.

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SraceKeep an open mind.•

I'm glad it was helpful. :) I love that Just for Today thing too!!!

As I mentioned above, it always takes me a while to sort out the differences between my thoughts and my feelings. I usually seem to think first and feel later, and I often think and act without realizing that my real core feelings about a situation really are.

Two things I learned over the past year or so:

  1. to respect my gut feelings and try not to do things that would make me feel uncomfortable/cause cognitive dissonance. I was casually dating a guy with a drinking problem even though I knew it wasn't a good idea. When I decided not to see him anymore, suddenly that little nagging feeling of "what are you doing here???" went away. I hadn't even known it was there until it left.

  2. to make decisions based on what IS, rather than what could be. When I look at how the future could unfold, I tend to have a vision of it where my partner gets their shit together. With that guy, I was thinking "He'll probably hit rock bottom soon and start recovery." I wasn't thinking "This situation could continue until he dies an early death." Both of these were equal possibilities, so looking at "is this working right now" would probably be a better strategy.

The way I realized I had to stop hanging out with him was totally not what I expected. I suddenly realized that I didn't like ME in the relationship - I was starting to get fractious about things that weren't his drinking because I was suppressing my (wise, inner, self-protective) reaction to his drinking. The bitterness came out in a different way, and I didn't like the way I was acting as a result. This was totally not the reason that I had thought I would have for ending the relationship, but I'm so glad that my self-preservation instinct kicked in at some point. I honestly didn't think I had one!!

You'll have your own path to take as the relationship unfolds. Whatever happens, though, see if you can look at what is best for YOU, as well as what is best for the relationship and what is best for him. We use the analogy of the oxygen mask on the plane - you put it on yourself first, then on the people around you, because if you're passed out, you won't be much good to anyone.

There definitely wouldn't be anything wrong with kiboshing the relationship because it doesn't fit in with your five year plan. There's nothing wrong with being pissed off that his drinking is messing up your plan either - you don't have to express your anger or try to force a solution because of it, but it's OK to feel it.

In any case, I hope you can get to a meeting. It sounds like you got through last night pretty well. Hurray! You're doing an amazing job so far, under the circumstances. Put yourself first and do what you need to do to keep yourself healthy and happy, and you'll be good. :)

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sinfinityOP•

I went to find an al-anon meeting this afternoon, but ended up at an AA meeting. They gave me some pamphlets though, and I'm going to an al-anon meeting tonight.

The AA meeting was really fantastic, and I was so inspired and sympathized so much with all the people there. I feel better already knowing that there's such a great support network out there.

My significant other and I just had a nice talk, and I set some limits for myself, in the name of the self-preservation that you mentioned.

Strangely enough, I feel that this incident has brought us closer in a way that we weren't before, and I know that I'm willing to stand by him as long as he's trying to get help for himself. I didn't actively try to make this decision, it's just sort of settled into my psyche as I navigated my way through the AA meeting today, and his and my conversation a bit ago. I realize that that's sort of bordering on what could be, but I think that it is what's going to work right now. And of course that's totally open to change as the future does start to unfold.

It's so great to hear that you were able to get out when you did. I think the hardest part for a lot of people is not being able to realize that they aren't acting with their best interests in mind. It sounds like you really have a good grasp on this stuff, and it's great to read about the things you've learned. It's been a great help to me today.

Thank you.

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SraceKeep an open mind.•

I'm so glad you got out to a meeting, and that you found it helpful. It sounds like you've reached a good point of serenity that works for you right now, and that is really all that any of us can aim for. I'm so glad that my collection of weird and random experiences have made a bit of a difference to you! :)

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[deleted]•

I have to also say, "run". I know, I know, we 're not supposed to give advice and all, but if I had the choice to make again, I would not marry an alcoholic. I am crazy about my husband, but he is on his second relapse and it is very difficult. As you are not married and, I hope, have no house together, you can easily cut and run. You have no real ties that cannot be broken. Leave now; you will not regret it.

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SOmuch2learnKeep it simple.•

My heart goes out to you as I picture you sitting there.

There's already plenty of feedback for you to think about, so that's all.

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sinfinityOP•

Thank you for reaching out. It means a lot.

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annaquaLet go and let God.•

Get to an Al-Anon meeting before doing anything else or making any decisions. Pray before making any decisions. Let go and let God.

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