I [33F] start therapy in a week but need to talk through what my brother [32M] and husband [40M] did. I feel dramatic but im so angry still.

I start therapy next week but need to talk this through beforehand. I feel dramatic about what my brother and husband did but I still can't get past it.

I start therapy in a week but need a practice round to get this all off my chest before i do it in the real world. I was hurt by my brother and husband but feel like im being dramatic.

Tldr- when I was a child my brother would be grossly inappropriate while I slept. My mom knew but got mad at me for telling her. She had always taken his side for emotional/verbal/physical abise to this day. When I was 20 I was high at the same brothers apartment and he let a guy bring me to his room and do whatever he wanted and then they were bff after. 6 years ago i caught my husband talking on Instagram to a 17yo. He deleted everything, and nothing i saw indicated a sexual relationship. I filded for divorce but the attorney said my girls would have 50/50 custody and I couldn't protect them how I wanted so I stayed.

Now everything is caching up with me and its effecting my mental health.

I work in an ER and see so much child abuse. Its bringing up old feelings and I cant gst over it. I also cant tell if I am over reacting bc what I see is SO bad it makes everything else seem like nothing.

Ok so my brother. He would come into my room at night and jack off next to my head while i slept. I know its not as bad as some things but still it was horrifying. I still have nightmares about it. I told my mom and she yelled at me. I statyed locking my door and he stopped. But hes to this day verbally abusive and now does it to his GF and my mom continues to take his side. I honestly forgot about what happened until he moved back into my moms house and my mom was supposed to watch my daughters that summer while I worked. I had a full blown panic attack And now I still have them if theres a man to close to my girls.

My mom also will hand my brother one of my kids and say they look just like him, they act just like him ect....

The dude in the apartment. It was my fault I think. He was 15-20 years older than me. We worked together and I had let him kiss me a couple times after work when I was drinking. Then one day I went to my brother's apartment bc I had a bad day and wanted to self medicate. The old guy was there too. I must have been drinking bc i dont remember a lot of that night. But old guy asled my brother if he could take me in the room. My brother said yes. I dont remember how I even got into the there but I was to incapacitated to stop him. Im just mad that my brother said no. Honestly I was so high I cant remember much of what happened butni KNOW what happened in the bedroom. Im more upset that my brother didn't help me.

Anyways the guy put something in my drink at a later time when i was sober that night and I was able to fight him off. I had a couple sips, felt off and was able to get out fast enough.

My husband- basically what it said. Again nothing was sexual. Just like selfies and whatnot. But in my eyes its still grooming to me talking to a child on social media as a married man with kids. He blamed it on me not having time since one of our babies was born. Anyways i couldn't divorce, I tried to report his medical license too but couldn't. So I stayed. There was some emotional aggression too. It still happens but not as much. Im much better at standing up for myself too these days and not taking shit.

I honesty had put all this behind me too until the trauma at work and with my brother came back. I realized I don't want to talk to my husband about it because of what he did at the trust he broke years ago. Is that fair? How do I even tell another perspn about this. Its humiliating and im pissed that it happened.

I dont want to talk about the emotional stuff. It still cycles through. Right now things are great. I cant get back into it all mentally right now.

Anyways im mad that I have to go and verbally talk about this shit.

Im mad that I want to be able to fully rely on my family but cant.

Im mad that I really enjoy when our family is all together, I never had family together growing up. But in the back of my mind I know that I can never fully just relax and enjoy it. I know its not a big deal what he did, but I hated waking up and him being there while I slept.

I hate that my husband went from being the love of my life, to breaking all my trust in an instant. We've spent years trying to rebuilt it. But I just dont think time will ever fix what he broke.

Im glad im starting therapy but i also feel like im being whiny and dramatic compared to the horrors I see with kids in the ER and I can't rationalize it.