Put a gun in my mouth just to see how it felt.

Loaded but not chambered, I put it in my mouth safety on, wondered what it may feel like seconds before the end. I thought I’d freak out, thought I’d have a jolt of awareness but didn’t. The cold steel tasted gross and it didn’t fit comfortably. The image of it shattering my teeth as the slide went back grossed me out a little. But other than that nothing. I did consider actually doing it but was able to pull myself back from the cliff.

I’m in my mid 20’s the past year of my life has been rough. I’m struggling to fix my life. I don’t have a license and no job either. My last job was a part time job I could barely stand but the logistics of it worked because I was working with a friend who I lived with at the time. Now it’s not so easy.

I’ve never been in a relationship, and I’ve never made enough money to have to pay taxes. My family minimizes my problems but also my successes. When I try to open up I either hear “you don’t have it that bad” or “I have it worse but I’m not depressed” they never have it worse.

I’m a loser, my life may be over before it truly starts, I’m nothing, nobody. And as much as I’m trying I feel like I’m making no meaningful progress, I hate it here.