Can’t tell if my ex was abusive, if we were mutually toxic, or if I just have terrible separation issues

Despite it being months later and feeling kind of moved on and more disgusted by them now, I just still feel so differently about what our relationship was every day. Some days I feel like it was just a failure that still had good aspects I can pull from it, some days I feel like I was an absolute idiot abused for three years, and some days I feel like I was the worst person ever who took for granted a love so pure I’ll never find again. I cannot tell anymore what’s real or not and even thinking about it even slightly deeper feels like it’s going to send me into psychosis.