Idk if I actually am on the aroace spectrum

So it’s 4 am and I’m having another existential crisis about what I 18F identify as. For a long time I have felt like I was different than most people when it came to crushes and relationships. I don’t think I’ve ever even had a truly valid romantic crush.

The first time I thought I did I was like 10-11 at summer camp and this boy was like one of my best friends there, I don’t really remember him all that well but I thought since I really enjoyed being his friend and talking to him, I wanted to be closer to him and that meant I had a crush. In reality I think it’s just because I really enjoyed having a close friend because I didn’t have that when school rolled around. The second was when I was 12-13 in school. It was art class and I noticed this boy was really funny (at least back then) and again I wanted to get closer to him. I thought it was a crush so when my stepmom asked if I liked anyone on the drive home of course I said him. Then a day later he took the art easel I was using for clay and I got mad and I realized it never was a crush I just wanted to be his friend, cuz again I didn’t have a close friend in school and he had this other kid he was close with and I wanted that.

I don’t think I explained those experiences well but again I don’t think I’ve ever had a real crush and those were the only two instances I used to think I did so idk what it actually feels like.

A couple years back I discovered what asexuality was and I thought it fit. I never really was attracted to people, at least not how people describe it to feel like. I think people are pretty and handsome, and I know that they are good looking, but I never felt anything more. It’s more like “oh they are cute” or “they look nice” and sometimes it’s nice to look at them, but I never felt butterflies because of someone’s looks nor have I ever wanted to go up and talk to them because they are good looking. I did some digging and I settled that I just find some people aesthetically pleasing to the eye instead of being attracted (if that even makes sense). I also never felt the need for sex or anything like that. I never really felt that kind of urge for that kind of touching or experience. I actually don’t even really like touching people in general, but if I had to do it I would rather it be like holding hands and maybe sitting next to each other I guess. Sometimes even platonic touches I see that and I kinda want it but nothing really further. Sometimes I imagine it and I feel like maybe I have to do it at some point to see if I like it or not.

Then I discovered what being aromantic as well. This ties into the crushes because I don’t think I ever really felt romantic attraction towards anyone at all. Last year someone I worked with asked me out and I literally panicked the entire day. I honestly thought he liked someone else even though before this one of my coworkers said that he might like me and I was like no way. I was asked out on Snapchat on my last day working there so it was so much worse than if it was just a text or in person💀 I actually felt horrible, not to the level of being sick to my stomach but it was a level I haven’t panicked in a while. I felt so horrible and guilty that I didn’t feel the same way, and then I imagined going out with him which wouldn’t have been fair to either of us. I rejected him in the best way I could but it got me thinking about how horrible I felt about it. For one I never thought someone would like me so I didn’t have to worry about a relationship even if I did want it (which I didn’t know) so for the opportunity to rise and to find out I would react like that I felt like there was no way I wasn’t aromantic as well.

(Went back to add this) there was a time last year I got deeper past a friendship that started as jokes. It was after a huge breakdown and I stopped talking to a group of people except for this guy for a while (I still talked to each of them separately but not all together and I interacted with him more than all of them) we sent each other a bunch of sweet reassuring tik toks that got more and more intimate until we were sending like gf bf stuff and freaky vids and telling each other that we couldn’t imagine our lives without each other. Then one day he said something along the lines “I guess we kinda both just accepted we’re together” after sending a tik tok about people shooting their shot with a basketball vid in the background. Then I get a message from a mutual friend asking if we were dating. Holy cow that got me so messed up I mean like I freaked out. I genuinely sat in my room staring at the wall thinking about what this meant and I blew up at him asking if he said something to her about us. He reassured me that it was a joke and that it got too deep but I just couldn’t let it go. I messaged two other friends after that and I took screenshots of everything i was so panicked. After I talked with them I sent him like a 5 paragraph long message about how I panicked and I was sorry, other things I was insecure about that were brought up, how I could never trust myself to be that close and that if he liked me I could never be that person. Honestly probably a lot of really hurtful things that I was too panicked to think about, I still feel guilty that I blew up like that. The kicker is that I think about it every now and then, like if things could have been different. I don’t even know if I actually didn’t like him or not. We still talk but it’s different, not one on one anymore, after it happened he kinda went quiet and I had another mini crisis about that because I didn’t want to lose him as a friend. (End of addition)

I’ve brought it up to my parents a few times in passing that I don’t really like people or when they ask if I like someone I’ll say no and I don’t really see people like that. It sucks because whenever I say I do something with a guy they like make it a big deal. Then they talk about if I really were to start dating a guy that like my dad and brother would be overprotective and I tell them they don’t need to worry but then I’m confused on if I really just don’t want a relationship/love or if I don’t want to deal with what it causes for myself and the people around me. Then there’s people saying things about “when” I become a mom someday. That’s honestly one of the worst things because I don’t want either of the things that could allow that to happen (unless I adopt) that freezes me up because idk how to respond. I don’t want kids either so maybe that’s a different issue. But the final nail in the coffin that confuses me is when I talk to my brother. The only one I really got deep with about it and every time we do and I say I don’t really like or feel attracted to people he asks me, “are you sure this is what it is or are you just traumatized?”

That sends me into a huge spiral because honestly i don’t even know. Maybe I am traumatized. I’ve seen a lot of messed up and failed relationships that I have grown a little adverse of relationships and didn’t want to go through that or have someone go through that, but then again I was never really interested to start. So was it trauma from being in between these or am I really not interested? Then I think like maybe I haven’t found the right person, or the type I’m attracted to because I never thought that someone could like me back or see me as attractive myself and they would never want to do anything intimate with me. Then there’s the argument that I’m young and idk what I want and I really don’t. Sometimes I think I want the closeness that a relationship has. Which got me into the rabbit hole of queer platonic relationships which is honestly a perfect in between.

Sometimes I want to be romantic and have those feelings but it just doesn’t come. Then again I don’t have a lot of people I’m that close to and I don’t really believe in love at first sight so maybe I need to get close with someone to find out? It’s weird because I love seeing other people love more than I think about my own love life, I kinda just accepted I would be alone forever. Im really insecure about myself so I don’t know if I just need to learn to love me first before I can allow myself to open up. Im just confused though and I know being unlabeled is ok but I feel like I want the stability of having one because it brings so much more clarity to me. Since I clearly tend to overthink everything. Sorry it’s a lot of yap I don’t know how to explain how I feel in a way that makes sense because I don’t think I even know how I feel. I also feel like there’s not a lot of representation in media so I can’t really relate to a lot of characters that could help. Any thoughts or suggestions would be helpful thank you 🥲