I feel completely alone with my depression and just wish I could honestly talk to a real person who knows me

TW: mentions self-harm and suicidal thoughts

My life has been awful, especially the last 3 years. I feel like there is no coming back from this, I have missed everything and I am too old for many things now. I started self-harming, banging my head against the wall anymore hard enough for it to hurt but not hard enough to cause serious damage, at some point and just wanted to die. I got into therapy, fixed my sleep with medication and stopped self-harming. I told people about struggling, I started talking to my brother about my depression. In some ways, I'm better than a couple of months ago. Sleeping again and not hurting myself is a success. But I'm miserable. Most days I really don't want to be here anymore

I have very few friends and I barely see them because we don't live in the same city. I can tell them about struggling, I can tell them that I am not doing good and have no real will to go on, but I can't burden them with the whole truth. I can't tell them about the darkest stuff. I tell my therapist about these things, but I don't know, a therapist is not the same as a real person. I just want someone who knows me hear those things and react to them like an actual human but I know it wouldn't be fair to put that on anybody and I'm ashamed of having those thoughts and ashamed of the reality of my shitty life that got me to thinking this way. I don't want to be alone with this anymore ut no one could deal with that. All it would do is traumatize, overwhelm and alienate them.