HI GUYS! IM NEW HERE.CAN YOU PLEASE READ THIS (ik its long) AND HELP ME.🥹

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Guys, I need help understanding my feelings and relationship patterns because I genuinely don’t know what’s wrong with me anymore.🙂

Im 23 F and I’ve technically been single for a long time, but I’ve had a few situationships/relationships that messed with my head.

The first was when I was in 10th grade. I had a huge crush on my classmate, and he flirted with me too, so I thought maybe he liked me back. But then things got messy because he ended up getting close to my best friend. There were a lot of misunderstandings, drama, and emotional confusion. Me and my best friend eventually reconciled because she genuinely didn’t know the full situation, and we’re still friends today. But that guy later contacted me again and basically repeated the same pattern — wanting emotional closeness and attention from me without actually committing to a relationship.

Then there was another guy who was one of my closest friends also family friend. Looking back, I feel like he manipulated me emotionally. He made me believe he was the only person who would truly understand or love me because I’ve always struggled with insecurity and not fitting current beauty standards. I’m not the “slim perfect Instagram girl” type, and at that point in life, I genuinely believed maybe I should settle for someone who accepted me.

We started dating long distance while I was in college. At first it felt intense and emotional, but later I realized he was exhausting. Everything was dramatic and centered around him. He would constantly do over-the-top things to prove love, but it felt more performative than healthy. Around the same time, one of my closest friends in college passed away, and I was dealing with a lot mentally. I couldn’t handle both grief and that relationship, so we ended things mutually.

But what really messed with me was how he used to say things like he’d never marry anyone else except me, or that he’d disappear from life if he saw me with someone else. Then five months later, he got into another relationship. Which is fine, people move on, but it made me question whether anything he said was even real.

Then last year, I got involved with another guy — a college friend. Honestly, he was completely out of my league in every stereotypical way: very handsome, fit, rich, confident, popular. He had dated some of the prettiest girls in college, and I genuinely never thought someone like him would even look at me seriously.

But he pursued me. We talked for around six months, and I started liking him a lot despite knowing he had a “player/fuckboy” reputation. Somewhere in my delusional brain, I thought maybe I could change him. Things seemed good until he got a job, and through mutual friends I found out he was basically two-timing me with another girl who was also someone I knew.

I immediately ended it, but ever since then, I feel emotionally confused.

I keep attracting emotionally unavailable or manipulative men, and I don’t know if the problem is my choices, my insecurity, or the fact that I keep accepting less because deep down I don’t think someone would genuinely love me properly.

I know this sounds dramatic, but sometimes I genuinely wonder if I’ve confused attention with love for years.But fortunately i haven't had any sort of physical relationship with any of them.

But recently, there’s this one person who completely took over my brain somehow, and I know this is going to sound ridiculous.

He’s way out of my league in every possible way — status, lifestyle, social circle, everything. He’s pretty well-known in India (not exactly a Bollywood celebrity, but popular enough), and I’m obviously not naming him.

The weird thing is,it’s not even mainly about his looks. He’s not even my usual “type.” But something about him just clicked in my brain months ago, and ever since then, my social media feeds are FULL of him. His charisma, his personality, his vibe, the way he carries himself — I genuinely don’t know what it is.

And the funniest part is that I always thought I liked people who were the opposite of me — unserious, childish, carefree, goofy because I’m naturally more serious and practical. But this guy is actually more similar to me in certain ways, and maybe that’s what got me so attached.

I know this sounds delusional because realistically there’s like a 0.00000001% chance I’d ever even meet him in real life. But somehow I feel emotionally connected to him anyway, which sounds INSANE when I type it out.

Like when people criticize him online or make fun of him, instead of blindly defending him, my brain immediately goes into “Is he okay?” mode. I start wondering if he’s stressed, unhappy, arrogant because of pressure, emotionally guarded, etc. I literally psychoanalyze a man who does not know I exist. Peak clown behavior.

And I KNOW this is unhealthy.🍟

The problem is that now he’s become this emotional benchmark in my head. Like I unconsciously compare everyone to the way he makes me feel emotionally, and obviously no real person in my life is competing with a fantasy version of someone I’ve idealized.

And I’m not stupid. I know he’s rich, attractive, famous, probably surrounded by beautiful women, maybe dating someone, maybe casually hooking up, living a completely different life, etc. I know all of that logically.

But emotionally? My brain still keeps going back to him.

I don’t even know if this is a crush anymore or if I’ve just attached all my emotional longing onto someone “safe” because he’s unattainable, meaning I never actually have to risk rejection or vulnerability in real life again.

How do you stop idealizing a person you don’t even personally know before it completely ruins your perception of real relationships but i actually like this person but ik i dont know him at all. god whats wrong with me🥹🥹