Struggling w acceptance

TW: mention of SA and ideation

I (33F) feel like a failure. My husband (35M) left me in July of last year and I can’t move past it. For me, it came out of nowhere. I was always open with my feelings and any argument was about other women or just wanting to spend more time together. It wasn’t always like this.. but the last three years I developed a chronic illness that has left me majority of the time housebound. It’s been difficult to hold a job. After he told me he was leaving and moving out the next day.. I spiraled. I frantically tried to get ahold of him and was eventually hospitalized for 10 weeks from lack of sleep, stress and ideation.

I had accepted so much horrible behavior from him and to leave without even trying to mend things hurts. From flirting with other women, SAing me while I was sleeping and he was drunk, telling me I’m unattractive as I was sick, missed funerals of loved ones.. I felt like I gave 110% in our relationship. It wasn’t until I became a liability that he started to pull away. He’s an extreme avoidant and would rather pay his way out of having to deal with me or my emotions.

So you’re probably reading this and wondering why I would want to stay with him after everything. I don’t fully know why but he was the first person in my life to make me feel safe. He’s stable and has an amazing family. People really love him and his golden retriever energy.

He’s giving that positive, loving side to another woman now and it’s breaking me. When he told me in person I absolutely lost it. I had been begging, pleading and trying my hardest to work things out with him. Now he’s with someone younger, healthy. I ripped the glasses off of his face and broke them. He screamed at me that he was going to punch me and I yelled back go ahead as I started to throw my hands towards him anyway way I could, just repeatedly screaming “how could you do this to me?”. I flung a flower pot towards him as he left and I took his shoes so he had to walk home barefoot. It was messy and toxic. I had NEVER lashed out like that in my life. You could say it was all of the pent up frustration, hurt and anger I had towards him.

I instantly regretted the 2 min of escalation. He called the police but didn’t press charges. He then blocked me on everything and emailed me that he’s removing care for me. Not only am I getting divorced but now I will not have money take care of my health. My visa is now at risk as I do not have a job due to my health. I have a few months to figure it out but the anxiety and stress is making me even sicker.

I feel like a shell of a person. I feel myself spiraling and the ideation becoming stronger. I talked to my therapist about it and all the insecurity I have developed in my marriage. His comments about me and my body while being so vulnerable. I couldn’t imagine doing the same to him. But somehow my reactions are the worst and not his treatment towards me. And that’s what everyone is seeing.

He has me blocked on everything, asked me not to contact him and refuses to help me financially. He stopped helping w my health stuff long before this. I don’t have a strong support network where I live so I’ve relied on paid assistance for everyday things.

After all of this I still love him. I still would try to save our marriage. We planned to have a child this year. We planned to travel. To build our home. I feel like starting over sick, old and quite frankly depressed feels like the absolute worst case scenario and I feel like exiting life from the shame alone. The thought of bumping into him with someone else feels deeply hurtful. I feel my heart drop just thinking about it.

I’m not sure what to do, where to go or what to handle first. He decided he wants to leave and gets to keep his stability, his amazing career and can pick up and move on like nothing happened. He scrubbed me clean from his socials and even removed me on linked in. I will never understand this behavior and why it pokes at such a deep wound within me.

Anyone experience this and is happy now? I feel like my window to have children is getting away from me. My ability to find love will be harder. Any advice on coping and moving forward?

TLDR:
My husband abruptly left our marriage after I became severely chronically ill and moved on immediately. I’m struggling mentally and physically with it. I still want to work on it despite his behavior.