My fear is growing.

I've been having nightmares for the past few days that are related to my emetophobia.

Nightmares like "someone has a stomach bug, is vomiting and I disinfect everything, stay in my room ect" & In my dream, I realized that those who put the food on the plates also have germs on their hands, even with gloves.

The thought is constantly on my mind and it's driving me crazy. I have to force myself to eat again and I'm trying to suppress the thought of disinfecting everything, only eating pre-packaged food and To stay in my room, ..not to give in.

I'm still in the clinic at the moment, but they told me to try not to think about it anymore.

It's extremely stressful for me. Partly because my mother wants me to go to my brother's in Berlin after my release. One fucking week after my release.

I'm afraid to tell her that I don't think I can do it, because she'll be angry and probably won't go alone.

I have an enormous urge to sh because of all this shit and I can't cry or scream...