Perfecting loneliness

I've been trying to figure out why i am the way i am. Why am i so immature still. Look at things like a kid, Act like a kid . have stupid jokes about chicken nuggets all the time.. I'm very stuck in my teen years. I eat most of the same foods, listen to the same music , and play the same damn video game as i did in my teens. Failure to launch some would say, or I'm just a loser or weird, I don't think i was properly taught how to launch into adulthood. My dad a narcissist and mom a alcoholic. I guess its no surprise to why my launch was a act of benevolence but just kind of ended up being a long fart. But I'm glad i still listen to the same music and i still think farts are funny. but i do wonder what my life would look like if properly launched and never got involved in the dark arts {drugs} {porn}.

Time is starting to melt away as well as my hope for my wonder years. As i type this i look around the garage i am staying in, a fan of my writing from reddit is letting me have some degenerate time at their place. There is wrappers of the countless otter pops i consume on the daily, three slices of bread, two slices of Swiss cheese, one PowerAde bottle full of piss, five dollars of fentanyl, a syringe with 4/10 of meth,burnt foils galore, burned matches, and my lovely journal. im Burned out like a lightbulb.

As a quasi 38 year old this is not an ideal assortment of things to own. Should be owning a car and house and Yacht. should have money in a 401k, i don't even have a job that would be considered okay for my resume. I do have hep c and a love for sports though. I also have a girl that loves me even with all these nothings i have. How could she possibly love something like me!? a reclusive meth addicted kleptomaniac who loves porn. Stealing is all whole other can of worms. like it has its own hierarchy of needs. I might love stealing more than any drug. The rush is mix of oh god im so fucking stupid I'm going to jail and god I'm such a piece of shit but hey i got a free pair of Gucci's. There is no real way to explain the feeling one gets from walking out with something you are not going to pay for. Its real degenerate bullshit. This is a learned behavior from my family.

at the ripe young age of 8, our family unit gets a top of the line PC with the newest drug in town the "internet". what is a bunch of kids gonna look up when no one is home b00bi3s. Internet and adult PPV channel i had the password to on the illegal cable boxes my dad sold, was enough damage. I was watching hardcore porn on the regular like it was no big deal. It was just the "good feeling" we called it. I had no idea 30 years later my life would be one bad sex joke after another with every aspect of my life stunted or just never materialized because of the effects of feeling good at that age would bring forth. Till this day biggest regret was spending too much time online. was it a parental failure? idk i really rather not go there.

Its the first day of my second life or not........................................................