31 year old man on the verge of giving up

I've always struggled with motivation but my go-to answer was to simply push through it. When I was miserable at school I simply pushed through it. When I was struggling at university I pushed through it. When I was unemployed and looking for work I simply kept pushing. I'm 31 years old and without too much detail about the position itself I work as a library assistant helping with archival digitisation. And now I've found myself in the same position as before: zero motivation. It's also occurred to me that I no longer want this job any more. I don't enjoy working in a library and my interest in archives has been erased. So 'pushing through' doesn't seem to make much sense any more.

Here's the kicker: I have no idea what else to do instead. I've been wracking my brain over the past few years regarding what kind of work and life would actually give me satisfaction and the answer has been a resounding "nothing". It feels like everything has been a waste: school gave me no pointers. Instead I lost what few childhood interests and passions I did have and got groomed into going to university instead, where I thought I had found something I liked (archaeology), only to realise that I didn't like it at all and now I was lumbered with student debt and a useless degree.

I have no friends and those few who I've tried to stay in touch with have all slowly ghosted me over time. My family is ageing and shrinking rapidly. I live with my father and my only sibling and both are overweight and physically and mentally unhealthy. I lost my mother to a short illness a few years ago. I've never had a partner and have basically no relationship experience whatsoever. I have an autism diagnosis as well.

I've been trying my darnedest to keep pushing through but I'm starting to ask 'why bother?' It feels as though life is actively cutting off sources of motivation and reasons to keep going. Whenever I hear about how other people deal with it, the answer is always the same: "I push through for the people I love". I try to keep going for my father and brother but it's hard because they don't really look out for their own health or wellbeing. I live in fear of my father randomly dying from a heart attack because of his weight, or my brother coming down with some disease, also because of his weight. They both spend a lot of time doomscrolling and watching TV. I can understand my father to a degree because he has mobility issues, but my brother doesn't really try. I hate to say all this because I love them both more than anything, but the worry is crippling sometimes.

I feel cut off from the world. I've been to therapy a few times and found it to be of limited use. The NHS seems to do either CBT or group therapy. I opted fro CBT and found it's uses to be very limited. I volunteer biweekly at a community garden and chat to some of the people there. I can't form any lasting connections though. Most of the volunteers are older people at completely different stages in life. They're also very much middle-class big family types who have no shortage of support systems. Only a few young people volunteer there and most of them hardly ever show up and eventually disappear. As I said before my friends have made no attempt to stay in touch with me. When my mother was dying I reached out to a friend online and he basically just directed me to Meetup dot com and never checked in with me after that. Speaking of which, I've also tried joining walking groups on Meetup and I got treated like I was some kind of outsider for not being one of 'the regulars'. I do have my uncle and aunt too, so that's something as well.

What do you do when life starts to run out of reasons to keep going? I'm just tired. I'm tired of 'suffering' and 'trying' and 'pushing'. I'm tired of my nervous system being in a constant state of alert. I'm tired of feeling lonely. I'm resentful that my efforts and suffering in life have all boiled down to nothing while my peers race ahead to get married and go from stride to stride in their careers. I'm tired of trying. I'm tired of pushing. Part of me just wants to pack up my job and sit at home on the internet all day like a bum. At least when I'm in my bedroom my nervous system isn't haywire.

Feel free to pry and ask difficult questions. I posted this here because this subreddit seems a little more level headed than most mental health subreddits.