I [32F] am at a dead end with my husband [32M]

Ok, I am going to do my absolute best to be objective and clear.

My (32, M) husband and I (32, F) have always had our arguments here and there. The usual stuff. But in the last 6 months, it’s been every other day.

A few key things to consider, my husband lost his job 6 months ago, I assured him that I’d handle all the financials while he gets back on his feet. Money has been super tight in doing so, which really caused a big lifestyle and comfort change for us. Also the general self esteem blow it caused for him that he was not financially stable any longer or had much financial freedom.

Being this is our new reality, I’d offer to put in more time at work to make more money than the “scraping by” amount but it turns into me putting all my effort and time into work and being burnt out and not enough energy to be focused and present on our relationship and household. So I tried to find a happy medium.

The stress of taking on all the financial responsibilities, while being worried how all of this felt for him internally, and trying to balance my emotional, mental, and physical health caused strain in our relationship regardless because my coping mechanism causes me to shut down and disassociate. I was incapable of showing up for my husband during this hard time for him emotionally.

He would address my mental and emotional absence, and I’d justify it with the burn out i was experiencing but still promise to do better and be tending to him. However, staying consistent in my efforts to be present and tend to him was difficult because of the stress and burn out i was always feeling. It’s been a vicious cycle for me to meet his needs which has communicated an overall message to him that i don’t care about him from what he has said to me.

I resent his feelings and experience because my experience is I am doing everything in my power to provide, and secure stability, and my burn out (from my perspective) isn’t acknowledged or empathized with. I however, have made a commitment to show up.

The ways in which I’ve made these efforts is when he addresses how he feels, I will take ownership of it, and be conscious of the dissociative ways about me sometimes, dismissive tones, disinterested demeanor he addresses and not engage in those things, and if by habit and pattern I do slip up, I will acknowledge and take accountability that I did and apologize and show a sense of awareness that it took place and I’ll do better.

It has gotten to a point where my efforts are not trusted, taken at face value or hold any merit because of the inconsistency. I have told him that i am aware that it will take time, and prepared to experience the general disdain in my efforts until he feels he can trust i am remaining aware and accountable.

My dead end feeling stems from the daily struggle of any shadow or whisper he perceives as the same pattern and behavior it will blow up into something and anytime I try to reassure or secure that is not taking place, he won’t hear it or believe it. An example: he was expressing how he felt about something and I’ve had neck issues because of my terrible sleeping posture lately, and I had my back to him, I turned my head to show i was listening and actively being present in the conversation, but since my neck hurt i made a disgruntled face when i turned my head. He blew up that my facial expression communicated a general dismissiveness of what he was expressing. I tried to clarify it wasnt in relation to what he was saying, and he accused me of gaslighting him. Which caused me to further clarify/explain. Which made him feel worse.

I can not go a day without every movement I make being seen as me not staying on top of the things he’s addressed.

I don’t know what else to do, or if anyone has any additional advice or ways to go about securing him that i am focused on these changes since words are meaningless but my actions are also being perceived as one thing and when i try to clarify it is seen as me evade accountability. Im open to any and all suggestions or feedback.

TL;DR Summary:

My pattern of emotional absence has made it so that any efforts or changes I make are not trusted by my husband and i don’t know/need advice on another way on how i can approach or secure him if his experience, no matter how much validation or accountability efforts i make is still informed by my past mistakes.