I won't ever find someone willing to help me and I'm done

It's been over 15 years since my first PIV. After that I got vaginismus, and no man ever even tried to actually help, they either gave a shit and were happy only with foreplay or would leave me. I admit that when I'm single I don't have any consistency of doing excersises by my own, because to me it is never comfortable and it makes me overall sad. I got to intimate rose #7 but then started to avoid again. Of course now I have a crush and I foresee the same old shit of him running away. Of course I'm trying again to warm up, but its never pleasant. I'm so tired. I am on intimate rose #6 and bought a dildo of his size: it is way wider than #8. At this point I'm starting to think I have some anatomical issue with my hymen and I don't know what to do because I'm too broke for a visit and this topics are taboo in my family. It's a cycle of doom. I want feel loved and safe. I want to deal with this with someone. Never could.