Experiencing Burnout Need Advice

If too long scroll down to TLDR section.

Hey y’all. I honestly don’t know how to ask this because I struggle with asking for help and I honestly don’t have anyone to asks about this in my personal life.

So I’ve been through a lot within the past 7 years and I honestly think it has literally snuffed out my light. I have no motivation to do ANYTHING anymore.

I’m not going to go through a long sob story I’ll just summarize a lot of what I’ve had to struggle/fight through and explain how that impacted me.

So for many years (Most of my life) I‘ve struggled with social isolation. I believe I’m on the spectrum and because I am I’ve NEVER had a genuine friend. For some reason Black women in particular don’t really like me and I don’t know why. Maybe I inadvertently do or say things that get under their skin? If so I have no idea how I’m doing it but I’ve desperately wanted a sisterhood like friendship with at least one BW. I want to have a friend I can relate to and she relate to me but that’s seems like something that won’t ever. happen. I’ve been treated pretty badly by Black women in general and it hurts so much even my own sisters don't care much for me.

Please don’t take me saying that the wrong way. I genuinely want to have a connection with other Black Women but I just don’t know how. Which leads me to the other issue. I don’t know how to make friends. Because I was socially isolated even as a kid I had no foundation on how to make connections with people. I had several siblings but they often paired up with each other and played with each other while I was the odd one out.

I struggled in my adult life. I was always in and out of a job. Either I was getting fired or I was quitting due to the stress of having to deal with a stressful situations at work. I was often to myself at work as well. Not necessarily by choice but it still made dealing with stress at work so much more harder because I had no one to talk to about my problems.

I eventually joined the military because I wanted to make a better future for myself and open up more opportunities for myself. I managed to stay in for several years but I experienced significant racism and sexism there. Because I was different though I still didn’t have any friends. It’s like people could tell something was…different about me. Toward the end of my enlistment I was administratively kicked out due to racism. Despite me being quiet and keeping to myself it seemed to work completely against me and made it easy for me to be a target.

That experience changed me profoundly. I was very bitter when I separated. I dedicated nearly a decade of my life to the military and I got almost nothing out of it. I became disillusioned with the world and was just VERY angry. I hated being around people in general I just hide away at home and didn’t bother to do anything.

That was 3 years ago. I still feel very strong emotions regarding my experiences and its seems like my feelings are morphing into hatred toward people. I don’t like being around people and my patience for them are very minimal.

I don‘t care to do anything with myself. Everything seems like A LOT. Just taking care of myself tires me out. Then when I have to think about all the other things I’ve had to sort of fight my way through to accomplish I get discouraged and just want to hide away somewhere.

I don’t know what I need to do to stop feeling like this. I feel like I’ll waste away forever if I don’t do something about it.

TLDR: Experienced significant social isolation for most part of my life. I believe I am on the spectrum and this has impacts my life in significant ways and has more likely than not contributed to my social isolation and struggles. Making friends has been something I’ve always struggled with especially connecting with other Black women. I joined the military to open up opportunities for me but faced significant racism and sexism. Was kicked out of the military due to racism. Due to the profound anger and resentment I feel towards life and people I have pretty much given up on everything and have lost hope in life. I don’t want to be like this forever and need help/advice.