I am on my limit

My name is Max, I am about to turn 20, and I haven't ever had a single friend. This is my biggest struggle in life, the immense soul crushing loneliness I feel every single day. I am tired of crying myself to sleep, wondering what is wrong with me, I am tired of feeling like a weirdo because no one wants to spend time with me, I am tired of it all.

I tried so hard to make friends, and I did everything I could've done in my power to change my situation, but nothing worked, not even close. The more I try, the worse I feel for even having to try so hard just to fail to achieve something as simple as making a friend.

Because of that isolation, I've never done any of the things friends do, things that for most people are common like: hanging out, playing games together, talking on the phone, going to each other's house, sleeping over, etc.

This fact, alongside persistent bullying brought me to attempt suicide at 10 years old. I chickened out for I simple reason, FOMO. 9 years later, guess what? Nothing changed, I missed out on nothing but even more pain, bullying and isolation.

At this point, not only do I dearly miss having friends, I also miss having a girlfriend. I know it is pathetic when a guy rants about not having a girl, yeah yeah, I know, I am pathetic, you're right. But it hurts me so much the fact that I haven't, not once, had any romantic experience when I really want one.

Before you say I'm not trying hard enough, I reached out as far as I reasonably could, to a point I'm getting free therapy at university, but the therapist can't force people into being your friend, so that won't work. I also bought a book about social skills, applied the techniques and... nothing changed. I smile more, talk to everyone, make eye contact, ask about their interests, and nothing, nothing changed. Still no friends.

I'm on my limit