What I Want

WHAT I WANT

People always ask me what I want, especially on these empty dating apps. That’s what they call them, but they just feel like hookup apps disguised with pretty profiles and fake intentions. But I’m looking for something more meaningful… more meaningful than what i feel right now.

I guess this isn't about dating apps but the feelings I have; eating me up inside. what i want, it’s not just about sleeping together or playing pretend for a couple of hours.

I’m looking for the kind of love where I’m treated softly, like a princess. But respectfully like a Queen/ A partner. The kind where you hold me close at night, where we stay wrapped around each other so tightly it feels like our energies intertwine. Where your arms feel like home. Where before I leave, you kiss me on the forehead like I actually mean something to you.

And somewhere from being just friends, the moment our lips met our hearts collided….
Or was it just mine?

BUT… the part that breaks me is how all of it disappears the moment we walk out the door.

It’s like everything we felt gets locked inside the house. The kisses, The hand holding STOPS. The softness disappears. The way you look at me still tells me there’s love there, but your actions suddenly speak another language. Outside those walls, I’m no longer the girl you held all night. I become “just a friend.” Just a best friend.

And I don’t understand how someone can love me so deeply in private, yet become emotionally distant in public. Every time we leave the house, it feels like you rip your hand away from mine before anyone can see. It’s like you leave the armor of vulnerability behind the locked door while I’m carrying mine outside.

For you, the butterflies stop at the doorstep.

For me, that’s where the cracks begin.

I think that’s why I’ve started feeling like the other woman in every story. Like there’s always somebody else who matters more, somebody who gets the title, the certainty, the daylight version of you. Yet when you hold me, it never feels that way. In your arms, I feel like I’m the only woman. When I hold you in mine while your heart raises it’s like I’m the only one who can quiet your mind, absorb your pain, and make your heaviness disappear… just for a little while.

I hold you, and it feels sacred.

But then the phone rings.

And suddenly I’m just a friend again.

Just someone hidden between notifications and excuses. Someone who is loved in private but unnamed in public. Someone who carries the emotional weight of a relationship without ever truly being allowed to exist in one.

So I started searching… and when someone on Bumble asks me, “What are you looking for?”

The answer is simple.

I don’t want to be the other woman for once. I want something more meaningful.