33F) dealing with sexual/emotional betrayal from husband (34M)

I don’t know if this falls under sexual trauma, betrayal trauma, or if I’m just emotionally exhausted at this point.

For years I thought my husband was extremely vanilla sexually. Our sex life has always revolved around me doing most of the work, and intimacy has felt increasingly disconnected over time. I’ve begged for things as simple as affection, intimacy, or naked massages like we used to do, and I’ve mostly been ignored or brushed off. I actually scheduled a date for this because I wanted it so bad. Instead, he got blackout drunk and the whole night turned humiliating and sad.

About five years ago I accidentally found search history involving large anal toys and eventually realized he was secretly using objects and house hold things on himself in the shower. Over time I discovered more things. Penis pumps, anal toys, pocket pussy, porn use, etc. Recently I walked in on him watching porn in the shower while using the toys. He’s also bought toys threw them away after finding them then bought more.

What hurts isn’t even necessarily the toys themselves. I’ve actually been open-minded sexually and have used toys with him during sex before. The issue is the secrecy, the disconnect, and the feeling that he has sexual energy for porn and hidden habits but not for intimacy with me. When we have sex I’ve always done all the work. But he has energy to take what I give and also pleasure himself in all the ways.

Now when I express hurt or discomfort, he calls me “vanilla” or acts like I’m the problem for struggling emotionally with all of this. I feel rejected, undesirable, shut out, and honestly confused about what’s reasonable anymore.

Has anyone else dealt with something like this where the secrecy and emotional distance hurt more than the actual kink itself?