undiagnosed ed

undiagnosed

I’ve never posted on reddit before, so please excuse any errors!!

i’m 24/f, and i’ve struggled with food for a big chunk of my life , but never diagnosed.
When i was in highschool it was never about getting smaller , as i was only about >!115lb!< it always feel like a control tactic “oh today i was able to go X amount of hours” or “i only had x amount of calories”. it was a game! i remember getting excited when i would come home from school at 4, eat a slice of cheese & go to sleep for the day. my senior year it was bad, & my family started to notice, & then i let my boyfriend. I knew my habits weren’t normal and i didn’t want him to see me weird, so in a way he helped me because i always wanted to be around him, and if i was around him, we would eat.

over the last 3 years i had gained weight and was sitting at my heaviest >!138!< i hated how i felt and looked but neve did anything.

This weekend i am a bridesmaid in my childhood best friends wedding & im flying home to Ca. for the wedding i began going to gym in january to just make myself feel better. my “fasting” has become extreme and im losing control.

i dont eat meals or snack other than ill make a dinner plate at night so my boyfriend doesn’t worry.

im down to >!110!< and i find my self loving my color bones protruding, chest ribs visible. even though i weigh less than i did at 17.
this look has never been a goal for me, but now i see it and my current habits are what making it happen, makes me want to do more more more.

my partner broke down crying the other day that hes worried about me & i was able to open up a little and let him know i think its a control issue. but thats all i can say about it.

i just dont rlly know what to do i feel like im at the bottom of the hole but at the same time i like how i look & how ppl keep telling i look great.