I love him but his irresponsibility is affecting me sm

Hi guys (25f) hope u will read all my text and give me your opinions,

Growing up i always felt like my mom carried the entire household on her shoulders she handled everything: groceries, clothes, paperwork, responsibilities, decisions, planning, finances, dealing with people, solving problems both inside and outside the house she was the brain, the planner, the responsible one,

My father was physically there but mentally absent from most responsibilities and the worst part is that he seemed comfortable with it whenever responsibility was pushed onto him he would either avoid it procrastinate or get irritated i can’t remember many moments where I genuinely felt protected guided or reassured by him I never had that "my dad will handle it" feeling that so many girls naturally grow up with

Because of that, my mom taught me very early to rely only on myself practically she taught me to think ahead constantly to anticipate problems to be prepared to never expect anyone to save me or handle things for me at first I thought it made me mature but now I realize it also made me so tired

Idk how to explain it but I feel like I’ve been mentally carrying responsibilities since childhood even now if my mom leaves the house my brain immediately switches into "management mode" start thinking about everything that could go wrong what needs to be done what’s missing what decisions need to be made( fi plast papa cause ik he won't)

What affects me even more now is how passive he is in moments where I actually need support I never naturally reach out to him when I’m in trouble I call my mom first alway, for my friends it’s the opposite they call their dads without hesitation their dads are "on their back" present involved ready to step in( feeling li jamais hassito)

In my case it always felt like I had to solve things myself or with my mom and even small things like groceries or daily decisions are usually handled by me and my mom togethe if we ask him, he gets irritated or says things like "iiih rani 3ayan kol youm lzm nkhroj!" Or he says yes then doesn't do it if we don't remind him It’s not even about one situation it’s a pattern of emotional and practical absence

In rs (i had some few talking stages) I notice something I struggle with: I carry this masculine energy without even wanting to i initiate i plan i solve problems i think ahead i take responsibility in the dynamic and even when a man tries to do things for me it often feels unfamiliar almost uncomfortable or awkward like I don’t fully know how to just receive without managing or adjusting everything ans sometimes i really feel that i don't deserve this treatment and all of them finished because of my behavior cause i do a lot of efforts and i have that constant feeling that I'm the one who should fix things

I think I’m exhausted of that role

When I compare myself to some of my friends I notice they are softer in a way I don’t fully know how to be they have this calmness this sense of "i deserve care i deserve effort from others" they can receive things without overthinking or feeling like they need to compensate qnd I realize I don’t naturally operate like that I’m used to doing everything on my own or with my mom. Independence became my default not my choice

Even when I want to be taken care of it feels foreign like I don’t fully know how to step out of the role of the one who handles everything

When I was younger, I don’t think I realized how much this would affect me but now it shows up everywhere in how i think how i love how i interact with people how i imagine rs i don’t just want a partner anymore I want relief from constantly being the one who carries everything mentally

Also in current talking stages

I notice something else that affects me deeply I can’t even fake being "soft" calm or less assertive just to fit what I think men expect I show my real personality direct, thoughtful, problem-solving, emotionally aware, and very mentally present and often it doesn’t land well in the dynamic.

It sometimes feels like the moment I show how I naturally am the other person pulls away or loses interest i get the impression that they see me as "too strong" or mentally too independent or not feminine enough in the way they expect femininity to be and I’m left confused because I don’t feel like I’m trying to compete with anyone I’m just being myself

Sometimes I just want to rest. To stop thinking for everyone to stop carrying invisible responsibilities all the time to feel feminine without feeling unsafe to feel protected without having to earn it by being hyper independent first

I think this is also why I crave stability so much now why responsibility in men impresses me more than charm ever will ( it happened once ) why I’m attracted to men who naturally take initiative think ahead make decisions and create a sense of safety around them im tired of feeling like I always have to be mentally alert emotionally strong, and prepared for everything

NB : i don't have a brother