don't know if I miss her or just miss having someone close

​

I don't even know where to start.

A few months ago, I met a girl, and for the first time in a long time, I felt genuinely happy talking to someone. We used to talk for hours. I'd wake up excited to see her messages and go to sleep thinking about her. It wasn't even about being in a relationship at first. I just liked having her in my life.

She made me feel noticed.

When you're lonely for a long time, even small things start to mean a lot. A text, a good morning, a random conversation, someone remembering little details about your day. I got attached because I cared. I wasn't playing games. I wasn't talking to multiple people. I put all my attention into one person.

Maybe that was my mistake.

As time passed, I started imagining a future. Nothing crazy, just the simple stuff. Talking every day. Being there for each other. Growing closer.

Then everything started falling apart.

I found out she was sending "I love you" to multiple guys. She was sharing intimate pictures with other guys too. I remember staring at my screen and feeling physically sick. It felt like someone had pulled the floor out from under me.

The worst part wasn't even the cheating.

The worst part was that after I found out, she became even more loving for a few days.

For about 5 days she was everything I wanted her to be.

She told me she loved me. She made promises. She talked about us. She sexted with me. She acted like I was the only person she wanted.

And I believed her.

I believed every word because I wanted it to be true.

Then one day she told me she didn't love me.

Just like that.

After that, my life became this endless cycle of confusion.

She blocked me. Then added me back. Then removed me. Then said she missed me. Then said she was fine without me. Then wanted to talk. Then disappeared again.

Every time I started moving on, she'd come back.

Every time I got hope, it would get crushed again.

At some point I even found evidence of what she had been doing with other guys. Later she became scared that I still had proof of it and thought I might use it against her. The truth is, I never wanted revenge.

I never wanted to destroy her.

I just wanted honesty.

I just wanted the girl I thought I knew.

But I don't think she ever existed.

Now it's been months of this, and honestly, I don't know what's wrong with me anymore.

Some nights I cry so much I can't sleep.

Not because I think she's perfect.

Not because I think she's coming back.

Not even because I think we belong together.

I know what she did.

I know she lied.

I know she hurt me.

I know she wasn't good for me.

My brain understands all of that.

But my heart still feels empty.

The truth is, I think I'm grieving more than just a relationship.

I think I'm grieving the version of my life I imagined.

I'm grieving the feeling of having someone.

The feeling of being important to someone.

The feeling of opening my phone and knowing there was a person who wanted to talk to me.

Lately I've realized that when I say "I miss her," I don't even know if that's true anymore.

I think I miss connection.

I think I miss feeling understood.

I think I miss having a best friend.

I think I miss not feeling alone.

And the worst part is that this breakup has made me question everything else in my life too.

I feel lost.

I don't know where my life is going.

I don't know who I'm becoming.

I don't know if I'm moving forward or standing still.

The only things I know for sure are that I want peace, stability, maturity, and for the people I love to be okay.

I want my family to be safe.

I want my dog Airi, who passed away, to be at peace wherever she is.

I want everyone I care about to be happy.

And I want this constant pain in my chest to stop.

If you've read this far, thank you.

I don't think I need solutions tonight.

I just wanted someone to hear my story. ❤️