I’m not someone who usually wears sarees. Whenever I do, I just tuck everything in somehow and hope for the best. Half the time I feel like it makes me look bulkier than I already am. But this time, for my friend’s wedding, I actually liked how I looked. I felt pretty. So I posted the pictures anyway.

Usually whenever I post my own photos on Instagram, I turn off the Facebook sharing option because literally all my relatives, vendors, clients, random people I interact with, everyone is there. And somehow it always leads to awkward conversations later. But this time I forgot to turn it off.

A few hours later, while I was on site talking with a client, my Valliyamma called. Since she’s old and usually calls only if something’s important, I picked up immediately.

And the first thing she said after seeing the picture was:  
“Go to the gym.”

Then followed 5–10 minutes of straight body shaming in the middle of my work day.

I didn’t even argue back. I just kept saying “okay okay” and listened.

The thing is, I don’t hate her. She’s actually sweet in many ways. She’s old, orthodox, super religious, believes in a lot of superstitions, and belongs to that generation that thinks commenting on someone’s body is normal concern. But at the same time, she’s also casually casteist sometimes, and that’s something I’ve always struggled with deeply.

The last time I stayed with her during her surgery, I remember feeling really uncomfortable with some of her conversations. She casually referred to people using caste names and said things that felt discriminatory to me. We even ended up having an ugly argument over it once.

And honestly, I know I can’t change her. Some people can be genuinely sweet, caring, and helpful towards others while still carrying deep-rooted discrimination without even questioning it.

She also lives alone. Her kids rarely visit her. Whenever there’s an emergency or she needs help, I’m usually the one who goes.

And what hurt more was..I’m already trying!!

I’ve actually been getting back on track lately. Working out again, trying to fix my routines, trying to feel better physically and mentally. It’s been a grumpy, exhausting road already and I’m genuinely trying to get there slowly in my own way.

So hearing all that right after finally feeling confident enough to post a picture of myself just hit differently.

Even during that same call, she asked if I’d be available next month for her surgery.

And I said yes.

But after cutting the call, I just sat there feeling… small.

Not because she told me to lose weight. I already know how I look. But because sometimes people don’t realize how casually they can crush someone’s confidence. Especially on days when you finally gathered enough courage to feel good about yourself.  
Now I don’t even know how to face her.

I still want to help her because honestly there’s nobody else around for her. But at the same time, I don’t know if I’ll end up losing myself mentally while dealing with her, even if it’s only for a few days.

(Just venting, might delete later.  
Also please don’t DM me with “chubby is cute” speeches 🤐)

Some people don’t realize they’re hurting you