debating breaking up with my boyfriend of 2 years.

I (20F) genuinely cannot tell if I should stay with my boyfriend (20M) or if I’m slowly falling out of love and I need outside opinions.

This is probably going to be long because there’s a lot of context.

We’ve technically been together for around 2 years, but we broke up in the middle of that. After we broke up, we never fully stopped talking. He ended up getting with his ex about 2 weeks later after she reached out to him. During that time, he called me once during what he described as a manic episode and told me he was in love with her. Their relationship only lasted a few weeks and ended. That still sits with me, i stalk her social medias all the time, i don’t know how i looked past that back then, i don’t think i can anymore.

Eventually, we started hanging out again. He initiated reconnecting and told me he wanted to be with me again, but then it took about 4 months for him to actually ask me to be his girlfriend again. During those months, I honestly feel like I did most of the emotional labor. I fought really hard for us.

Fast forward and we’ve officially been back together for about 6 months.

The issue is… I feel like I’m the emotional engine of this relationship.

Whenever I ask him why he loves me, his answers are usually things like: “because you always fight for us,” “because you always try,” “because you’re always there for me,” etc. Which is sweet, but lately it’s made me realize… I really HAVE been trying incredibly hard.

I communicate a lot. Maybe sometimes too much. I’m very emotional and like talking through things. He’s much more avoidant emotionally. I feel like I’m constantly initiating emotional conversations, bringing things up, explaining my feelings, trying to repair things, trying to reconnect, etc.

Some examples: • Last summer there were periods where he genuinely was not very nice to me and I spent a lot of time sending paragraphs trying to fix things while getting very little back. • He has repeatedly said he’ll work on certain things or be more emotionally attentive and sometimes improves temporarily but it often feels like I still end up feeling emotionally hungry. • I asked for something small recently (a handwritten letter because emotional gestures matter to me) and it never happened. • There have been trust issues throughout the relationship that I still think I hold resentment about even though I try not to.

Complicating this: his dad died about 5–6 months ago.

Since then, his life has understandably been extremely hard. He struggles with depression and grief. I know he’s hurting. I know he’s trying. I know he loves me.

And that’s what makes this so confusing.

Because our relationship is NOT terrible.

There are things I absolutely love about him: • He makes me laugh • I feel comfortable with him • He feels familiar and safe • We have chemistry • Sometimes we genuinely have amazing days together and I think “why am I even questioning this?”

But lately I’ve noticed things changing in myself: • I’ve become less responsive • I want more alone time • I don’t enjoy sex as much as I used to • Sometimes I want physical affection less • I fantasize about being single and having freedom • I keep wondering what life would look like without him • Sometimes I feel more relief from space than sadness

At the same time, the thought of actually ending things makes me want to throw up.

He’s been my person for years.

I’m also scared that maybe I’m expecting too much. Maybe relationships ARE hard. Maybe I’m looking for some magical emotional connection that doesn’t exist like a perfect boyfriend. Maybe I’m holding resentment from old versions of him when things actually are improving. Because i want to emphasize he’s a good person, he loves me well a majority of the time he writes me letters, takes me on dates, compliments me, spends a lot of time with me. it’s not all bad. but i wonder if our emotional incompatibility will never leave.

I guess my question is:

How do you tell the difference between: 1. Being in a relationship that needs healthier boundaries / balance / more work

vs 2. Slowly realizing you love someone but they may not actually be the right partner for you long term?

Please be honest.