First time kong mamatayan ng pet. She’s my second cat, given to me and my partner by his mom. She’s our baby girl, bunso to her kuya puspin.

She’s a sassy little daddy’s girl. She tolerates me and I suspect it’s because I’m feeding her mainly, but she surely is more affectionate towards his human dad than me. Kahit na ganun though, I still love her that she gets a lot of non-consensual cuddles from me. Her kuya cat, my older adopted cat, also loves her sooo much.

It was so sudden; she had barely lost any weight (though she was a chonker to begin with). I knew that cats live shorter lives than us in general, but honestly, losing them never really crossed my mind. Like, never did I think that someday I’m gonna lose these babies and that I’d have to prepare for it. I’m pretty sure nobody anticipates a loved one’s death, but idk, in this time I hope I did because this hurts like hell.

It’s been less than a day since we lost her, and I’ve cried countless tears already. I’m still expecting her to be at her usual spots at certain hours—like lying above my partner’s head at midnight while I’m working, running to the bathroom whenever we open the door, meowing ever so softly when I’m preparing their food, or sometimes lying close to me but not allowing me to touch her.

I’m lucky that my partner has helped me a lot to calm down as well as to process my thoughts, even though he has his own emotions to process as well. She was his baby girl, after all. She was the first one he'd see when he woke up because, for some reason, this little girl knew ahead of time when he was about to open his eyes.

Despite all of this, though, a lot of things are still running through my mind. Thoughts like, “Maybe I did something wrong” or, “If only I could speak her language, I would’ve known as soon as she started feeling ill.” I know that we did our best to raise her and ensure that she had the best quality of life we could give her, but right now, I’m doubting if it was enough, or if there was anything else I should’ve done better.

I hope she knows she is loved. I hope she knows that she is always remembered. I hope she knows that she helped me survive my daily life. I hope she knows that she’s family. I hope she knows that she and her kuya are the first ones that come to mind whenever I stumble upon anything customizable. I hope she knows that she and her kuya are my lock screen wallpapers (and are also printed on our phone cases). I hope she knows that her snuggles and purrs helped me through times when I didn’t even realize I needed them. I hope she knows that she is well-loved. I hope she does.

The sun is almost rising, and all I can think of is how much she’d love to sunbathe like a toast warming up, or how, at this hour, she’d probably be eating a meal before preparing for her morning nap under the sun shining through our window.

I still can’t wrap my head around the fact that I’ll be talking about her in the past tense now. I had never thought about that ever. I miss her already. I hope I dream of her when I sleep this morning.

First time ko mamatayan ng pet